Servo: This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all!
Servo: La-la-la-la-la-la, ha-ha!
Crow: How long before it becomes a standard?
Joel: I think you gotta come with me. Come on.
Crow: Aah!
Servo: We'll be right back. Save a leg for me! Hehehe.
Crow: Man, this... "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is... really depressing.
Servo: Yeah.
Crow: It makes it really feel like Christmas. Ho, ho, no...
Servo: Yeah, I feel jolly. Just like old Saint Nick. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Crow: Ah, Ricky, get me a Scotch! I'm suffering Christmas depression! Aah!
Joel: Hey, you guys.
Servo: Joel, Joel. Couldn't we see a more cheerful movie like maybe "The Sorrow and the Pity"?
Joel: Oh. Well I got that all covered, you guys. I uh... I tricked Frank into sending up a bunch of movies up here...
Crow and Servo: Wow!
Joel: And it's something we can watch after the experiment.
Servo: Great!
Joel: Let's see, we got uh, "Grinch Who Stole Christmas".
Servo: Oh, wow!
Crow: Are you sure that's not "The Fish Who Saved Pittsburgh"?
Joel: Yes, my little Huckleberry friend.
Servo: All right!
Joel: We also got "Mr. Maggoo's Christmas Carol".
Servo: Oh, Jim Backus lives!
Joel: And uh, "Frosty the Snowman".
Crow: Frosty the Snowman! Jackie Vernon did not die in vain!
Crow and Servo: Woo!
Joel: Right, we got Rankin-Bass' "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer".
Servo: Alright! Burl Ives died so that we may enjoy the...!
Joel: Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey... He's not.
Servo: Oh. Sorry, Burl.
Joel: Yeah, and then we've got "A Charlie Brown Christmas".
Crow: Oh boy, I love that one!
Servo: Oh, yeah!
Crow: Especially the part where they eat all those Dolly Madison cakes.
Servo: Mmm, yeah.
Crow: You know uh, Koo-Koo's, Zingers...
Servo: Fuzzies...
Crow: Yeah.
Joel: Uh, wait a second. Uh, wait a minute. Those were the commercials.
Servo: Oh.
Joel: Actually, without the Dolly Madison commercials, the entire show is about nine minutes long. Okay?
Servo: Oh, well.
Crow: What's next?
Joel: We got a few others here. We got uh, "It's A Wonderful Life".
Servo: Wow! Really great!
Crow: I love that one.
Joel: Oh, well don't get too excited. It's the lame Marlo Thomas version.
Crow: Oh.
Servo: Shame on you, Marlo.
Joel: We also got uh, "Miracle on 34th Street".
Servo: Yeah!
Crow: All right!
Servo: Woo!
Crow: All right!
Joel: Oh, it's the David Hartman one.
Servo: Oh, shame one you, Dave.
Joel: Well we got a few others here, though. It's kinda going to the bottom of the bag here, kinda. We got some low-budget ones.
Servo: Cool.
Joel: "The Christmas That Totally Ruled".
Servo: Great!
Crow: Oh.
Joel: It's about a kermudginny old man who learns the true meaning of Christmas.
Servo: Fresh idea.
Joel: "The Christmas That Wasn't That Bad", which is about a kermudginny old woman who learns the true meaning of Christmas.
Servo: Say.
Joel: Then there's "The Christmas That Totally Kicked Ass", which is about a kermudginny old man and a kermudginny old woman who learns [sic] the true meaning of Christmas.
Servo: Oh, well that would be...
Joel: Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Servo: Movie Sign!
Joel: Okay, everybody got their Christmas essays ready?
Crow: Oh, yup.
Servo: Ready.
Crow: Let's go. C'mon.
Joel: Okay, who wants to go first?
Crow: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Joel: Who wants... Do you want to go first? Do you want to? Oh, Crow? You want to go first, buddy?
Crow: Uh, oh. Okay.
Joel: Yeah.
Crow: Um, uh... A Christmas Oratory... Oh, wait. "A Christmas Editorial" by Crow T. Robot. Ahem. Hmm. Mmm. Ah.
Servo: Don't you just get on with it, for crying out loud?
Crow: Sorry, I was with... Mmm. Alright uh, okay. "A Christmas Editorial" by Crow T. Robot. Uh, I know I already said that. Um, okay. What's the big deal with Santa's elves, anyway? What happens to all those dumb, wooden trains and horses and cars? No... ever kid gets 'em. These are the kind of toys Grandma drags out at Christmas to decorate the house, which smells like her feet no matter how much Essence of Yuletide Lightbulb Rain Wash she uses. Uh, but I digress. Um, uh... No, these are the real misfit toys. They end up in Marshall Fields window displays and F.A.O. Schwarz catalogs or in overpriced little gift shops in Vermont or Door County, Wisconsin. Ahem. My, my message is for the elves. Gentlemen, what is the problem? Why don't we ever see you in front of a circuit board loading microchips into a Segavision with your little wooden hammers? Elf labor short? The good people of Macow are eager to take your prototypes and turn them into 100,000 knock-offs. Elves and Santa, take an example from the Keeblers. Now there's some fairies who know how to market! In closing uh, step out of the legend days, fellas, and join the century of the Pacific. Oh, and uh, Merry Christmas.
Joel: Yay!
Crow: The end.
Servo: Yay, yay!
Joel: Good job, Crow. Okay, who's next? Tom?
Servo: My turn.
Joel: Okay.
Servo: Thank you, Mr. Joel. Ahem. Okay, my essay is entitled "A Child's Christmas in Space". Uh, lemme set the mood here. Igada-igada-igada. There. Ah. It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and Bible-black. And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home, I think it's so near, yet... Oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. And how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight, 'cause if he does, I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the porthole offering me a Coke and a smile. Of course, his face would be rosy 'cause it's a vacuum out there! I mean, Santa's heart would explode! But he won't feel it, 'cause his capillaries and his brain would pop like little...
Joel: Tom.
Servo: ...firecrackers due to the blood boiling away in his veins like a pudding in a copper.
Crow: Hey.
Servo: Oh, the humanity!
Crow: Servo.
Servo: With his jolly old belly...
Gypsy: Tom... Tom...
Joel: Tom?
Crow: Woah!
Servo: ...would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping up. And the reindeer! Oh, the reindeer!
Joel: Tom!
Servo: Each bloating like holiday floats, and then in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails.
Crow: Tom!
Servo: Prancer, boom! Dancer, boom!
Joel: Tom!
Crow: Hey!
Joel: Hey! Hey, Tom. Take it easy; Santa's going to be okay, buddy.
Servo: Are you sure?
Joel: Yeah, give him a little credit, okay?
Servo: Oh, what a relief.
Joel: Alright, now it's my turn. I want to do my reading on uh, "Christmas Pasts".
Crow and Servo: Long pasts?
Joel: Well uh, um, yeah. Long... America's past. You know. Okay, I'm talking about the 70's Christmas office party. Back when a fully-stocked bar was considered standard office furniture and office parties were like something out of a Playboy cartoon. Why, the desks would be overflowing with every kind of hard liquor. Why, there were gallons of Scotch, bourbon, vodka, gin, not to mention Galliano, Amoretto, Medori rife, German crockpot gin, you name it. And sexism was blatant. Boy oh boy, you'd find salesmen groping secretaries in the mailroom, keys would be exchanged, and although this was Christmas, Jesus was nowhere to be seen.
Servo: Geez, Joel, and you thought I was bad.
Crow: Yeah, are we really this cynical about Christmas?
|
Joel: Well uh, maybe Gypsy has a Christmas word for everybody.
Crow: Hey!
Servo: Ooh. Aww.
Joel: Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. We got Commercial Sign over there.
Joel, Crow and Servo: Angels we have heard are high, softly sipping old champagne. Ooooooreo!
Servo: Oh, baby!
Joel, Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Inexpensive knish!
Joel: All right! Oh, for fun.
Servo: Woo, yeah! Stocking time!
Gypsy: Stocking, stocking, stocking!
Servo: Stocking time!
Joel: Alright, yeah. It's stocking time. Okay, hold it, hold it, hold it. We're going to do our stockings and then it's time for bed, okay?
Servo: Okay.
Crow: Okay. Alright.
Servo: Who's first?
Crow: Stock it to me.
Joel: This first one is for Gypsy.
Gypsy: Yay!
Joel: And look at what we got in there.
Gypsy: Oh, Richard Basehart! Joel, how did you know?
Joel: Oh, I dunno. I just knew.
Crow: Way to go, Gyps'!
Gypsy: Oh, thanks!
Joel: Thank you, Gypsy. And here's Tom's. Let's get that out here.
Servo: Say, look at all the loot!
Crow: Hey.
Joel: Yeah.
Crow: He got alot of stuff in his stocking.
Gypsy: Yeah.
Joel: Yeah, he did. Isn't that great, Crow?
Crow: Yeah, really great.
Servo: Thank you, Joel! Thank you, Santa!
Joel: Okay, and here's... here's Crow's.
Servo: Wow.
Crow: Oh, well! I...
Servo: What'd you get, Crow? What'd you get?
Crow: Umm... Well uh, my stocking's got a breatheable cotton panel.
Servo: Say!
Joel: Oh. Well, and then this... Oh, you guys.
Servo: It's for you!
Crow: Oh, hey!
Gypsy: Joel, Joel, Joel!
Servo: You found it, Joel! Open it.
Joel: Where did you find this?
Servo: Oh, Gypsy found it in the laundry chute.
Joel: Oh, okay.
Gypsy: Read it, read it, read it, read it! And open it.
Joel: Oh, okay... It...
Servo: Gee, you blew it, Gypsy.
Joel: Anyway. Oh, we got a letter here, everybody. Okay.
Servo: Big surprise, huh?
Joel: Let's put that up on Still-Store, Cambot. Good. Okay. "Dear Crow, Tom Servo and Gypsy."
Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Yay!
Joel: "Greetings and pleasantries from the great NW. As the Christmas Season begins, familiar thoughts and feelings abound. The slight chill in the air which you can almost see: Reflecting on years past family togetherness gans mere import on one's sense of priorities; And society begins to, once again, plug into retail commercialism and capitalism..."
Crow: Cha-ching!
Joel: "...in search of the perfect yuletide gifts. Your creation is the only TV program I watch, or used to watch. My husband here and I are experiencing a physical separation now as I'm in the Coast Guard stationed in Seattle. MST3K brings us closer somehow. Is this too schlocky?"
Servo: No, no!
Joel: "I can spout out sophomoric drivel like nobody's beeswax. My apologies. Thank you. Thank you, MST3K, for making us laugh at love... again. Graciously yours, Jennifer Jenkins." Merry Christmas, everybody!
Crow, Servo and Gypsy: Merry Christmas, Joel.
