| 812
| Incredibly Strange Creatures
| 06/14/97
|
| 813
| Jack Frost
| 07/12/97
|
| 814
| Riding with Death
| 07/19/97
|
Crow: Ladies and... Gypsy, Michael Nelson is Lord of the Dance!
Gypsy: Ohh! Did the other one die?
Crow: I don't know. Anyway, Michael Nelson is Lord of the Dance!
Servo: Three, four. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh.
Gypsy: Oh. Um, yay! Well, there's the sink I need to look at, so I'll just...
Servo: Three, four. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh.
Gypsy: Oh, well. We'll be right back.
Servo: Three, four.
Crow: Umm... Mike, it's over, huh?
Servo: Hey, Lord of the Pants, can you tear yourself away from yourself for a minute? We've got someone calling from the planet.
Crow: Hello?
Observer: Oh hello, Mike.
Bobo: I should say, "Hello, Mike." Hello, Mike.
Observer: Oh, I don't think so. Hello, Mike.
Bobo: Hello, Mike.
Observer: Hello, Mike.
Bobo: Hey!
Observer: Hey!
Mike: What the Sam Hill is going on? Where's Mrs. F?
Observer: Do you mind terribly if I explain?
Bobo: Be my guest. You're not in charge. He's not in charge.
Observer: Mike, Pearl is driving those horrid little children home, and Bobo here -- who by the way is not at all smelly or riddled with infection -- simply cannot accept the fact that I am in charge.
Bobo: You are not!
Observer: I am too! Read the note! It says while I'm away, the Brain Guy is in charge.
Bobo: It does not! Give me that note! ...It says you're a dodo head!
Observer: I'm a dodo head? Of all the unmitigated gall, you're the dodo head!
Bobo: No, you're the dodo head.
Observer: You're the dodo head.
Bobo: You're the dodo head.
Observer: You're the dodo...
Mike: Hey, hey, hey, not that I care, but you guys are going to have to figure out a way to get along until she gets back. Is there something you can do where no one's in charge?
Observer: Well, she did leave us this list of tasks. Perhaps we could divide those up.
Bobo: Fine, you're not in charge! He's not in charge.
Observer: Oh, a great many of these tasks seem to pertain to you, Bobo.
Bobo: Well, I'm very delicate.
Observer: Each morning begins with a tick bath for Bobo, then while he is still groggy, push worm medicine down his throat.
Bobo: I have worms.
Observer: Then mash sixty-five bananas by hand, cover with honey, and sprinkle with termites.
Bobo: I won't eat them any other way!
Observer: Then apply a generous portion of ointment to his... Oh, no!
Bobo: Well, you have to!
Observer: No! Mike, I can tolerate this ape no more. I appeal to you as a somewhat higher being to come down here, and... well, just come down here. Ah, there you are. See, he wants me to apply ointment to his... see!
Bobo: Oh, come on, it's not so bad, there are worse places to apply ointment.
|
Mike: Okay, I'll tell you what I see. I see here that there are a lot of underlying issues, and I don't think we can move on until we get past those. Brain Guy, why don't you start.
Observer: Okay, it's like ever since I met these two, the whole world revolves around Bobo's hygiene. His endless supply of tick baths and flea powderings and swollen things, and...
Bobo: You know, Mike, sometimes I get the feeling he doesn't even care about my hygiene.
Observer: Well, frankly his daily cleaning rituals disgust me.
Bobo: Well, at least with me they get done.
Observer: What are you implying?
Bobo: I'm implying B.O.!
Observer: B.O.! That's absurd! I don't even have a body!
Mike: Now, Brain Guy, I think we have to get past that. Tell you what, as a gesture, why don't you smell yourself.
Observer: No!
Mike: Please, in the interest of peace, smell yourself.
Observer: Oh, very well. Oh, my God, I do stink! Oh, I'm so sorry. This is so embarassing!
Mike: See, this is a real breakthrough, and I think it's a beautiful moment. I'll tell you what. Why don't you grab your brain and head up to the satellite and watch that movie of yours and think about this moment.
Observer: Thank you, Mike. It's called "Jack Frost", by the way, and it's a Russian/Finnish co-production. So I think I will enjoy it immensely.
Servo: Hmm. You do smell.
Observer: Do I?
Crow: Oh no, we've got Movie Sign.
Observer: Wait a minute, what am I... Nelson, get up here!
Crow: Great news, Mike! Through the magic of the Hexfield Viewscreen, I got an expert to clarify some of the questions raised by today's movie.
Mike: Oh, really? Great.
Crow: Yeah, thanks to me digging into your wallet, I was able to raise the money to bring us the distinguished Russian poet, author, and professor...
Servo: Muchkin?
Mike: Sojunstin?
Crow: Yakkov Smirnoff! Mr. Smirnoff! Thank you for taking time off from your busy schedule to answer some of our questions.
Smirnoff: No problem!
Crow: Now Mr. Smirnoff, let me cite Joseph Campbell who says that, "Each culture establishes archetypes which embody that particular culture." How does that apply in the film "Jack Frost"?
Smirnoff: Well, you see, in your country, you wait in line at bank. In our country, we wait in line for bread.
Crow: Well uh, well how does that relate to the dimishment of Russo-Finnish ties?
Smirnoff: In your country, the men shave. In our country, we wish the women would shave.
Crow: Well, naturally that speaks to political structure that attempted to suppress such cultural expression.
Smirnoff: In your country, you see movie "The Rock". In our country, we break rock into goulash.
Crow: Alright, Smirnoff, I want my $25,000 lecture fee back!
Mike: Twenty-five thousand?
Crow: It's okay, Mike, I put it on your credit card.
Smirnoff: In your country...
Crow: Oh, shut up!
Mike: We'll be right back.
Crow: And you can kiss that cheese tray goodbye, pal!
Smirnoff: But I have contract!
Crow: Yeah, you have contract. Well, I'll tell you what you can do with your contract!
Mike: Hey Tom, maybe we should check in on those two.
Crow: Uh... a little problem here guys. I'm a bear.
Servo: Oh, I'm so sure.
Crow: Yep, I'm a bear. you know that little... mushroom-head elf guy. He did it.
Mike: Oh, well. And where did this happen?
Crow: Oh, just around. Tuh. Some luck, huh. Tuh.
Mike: You sure you didn't just hot-glue some fur onto yourself?
Crow: Hey, I wish.
Mike: Oh well, huh. A bear. Well, we better check in on these two, see how the peace process is going.
Servo: A bear. What a feeb!
Crow: Grr!
Bobo: Sorry!
Observer: Thank you.
Bobo: And thank you for laundering your cape.
Observer: Oh, well, think nothing of it.
Bobo: Would you like some mashed bananas?
Observer: Oh no, no, no, no!
Bobo: You sure about that? It's nice and rotten. I don't eat until the fruit flies come a buzzin'. That's good eating!
Observer: I'm sure that it is, but... yum.
Bobo: So what are you up to?
|
Observer: Oh, I'm reading the entire galactic library of the Venusian 8 system at once. With my mind.
Bobo: That's nice. Are there any pictures?
Observer: There are a few... trillion.
Bobo: My toe's feeling better. Most of the seepage has dried up.
Observer: Oh, well, hallelujah.
Bobo: Do you find that the Lawgiver can be mean sometimes?
Observer: It's against my culture to gossip.
Bobo: Oh yes, but do you?
Observer: Yes! She can really be a stone cold witch!
Bobo: I know! And she can be so condescending!
Observer: Oh, precisely! It's like I'm so great and...
Mike: Oh, would you look at that! It looks like those two have finally found something in common.
Servo: Mike, help! Crow ate half of me and then buried me in the dirt!
Mike: Crow, what's wrong with you?
Crow: I told you, Mike. I'm a bear.
Mike: Now haven't we talked about this a hundred times? Taking your bear simulations to the extreme? And what are you doing now?
Crow: Umm... taking my bear simulations to the extreme?
Mike: There, now do you see a connection?
Crow: Uh... no.
Mike: Well, let me explain. When you're a bear... Ah, we've got Movie Sign! I'll explain later!
Crow: Well, sorry Professor Smirnoff was such a disappointment before guys, but you'll be happy to be hear that I've hired a more solid expert on Russia at great personal expense. Well, expense to you, Mike. I maxxed out your credit cards.
Mike: Crow, you cant just take my...
Crow: And I'll also need your assistance with this easel. Now, what film delved deeper into the former Soviet Union's relationship with the U.S. than Sylvester Stallone's Rocky IV, where he fights a Russian superman?
Mike: Well, I can think of a lot of movies that...
Crow: And what better embodies the spririt of Rocky IV than the rousing rock anthem "Eye of the Tiger" from Rocky III. And who knows that song better than a key member of the band "Survivor" which recorded it. I'm talking, of course, about...
Mike: The lead singer and songwriter who...
Crow: ...the drummer, who technically didn't join their group until seven years after "Eye of the Tiger", but who better to speak for this drummer than...
Servo: His wife!
Mike: His manager!
Crow: ...his Great-Aunt Gladis Fletcher! Who sadly passed away three years ago. But her old friend Unis Torgeson...
Mike: Is here and we're going to talk to her.
Crow: ...and I have been playing phone tag all day! So in her place I've contacted her estranged brother, Earl Torgeson, a butcher in Stanford, Maine, who specializes in old world sausages... and Russia, of course. We now go live to Mr. Torgeson. Uh... Mr. Torgeson, how does the movie "Jack Frost" fit in vis-a-vis the poetic dimensions of later Russian literature? Uh, Mr. Torgeson, slightly bad connection, sir, you may have to speak up a little louder...
|
Torgeson: Hello? Torgeson's Meat.
Crow: Ah! I see! Interesting, interesting. And do you see themes in the film or indeed any other traditional Russian folklore which prepare us for the tumultuous Russian politics of todays times?
Torgeson: Got it, Mrs. Kronge. One pound of bratwurst...
Crow: Oh well, thank you for your time. Boy, food for thought. Huh, Russia. Wow, definitely worth all that money. Well, Mike's money.
Mike: Get him!
Servo: We'll be right back!
Mike: Oh hey, Servo, new dress?
Servo: No, Mike, I'm really cute! I'm darling!
Crow: You're dowling? What, wooden rods?
Servo: No, I'm darling.
Mike: Dowling-he's Joe Dowling, artistic director of the Guthrie Theater!
Crow: He doesn't wear a dress.
Mike: I don't mean to criticize you, but...
Servo: No, no no you stupid... it's very simple, I'm adorable!
Crow: You're endowable! Oh I see, Mike. I think what he's trying to say is if you need to set up an endowment, you need to go to this guy.
Servo: No, you stupid loathsome freaks. I'm precious! I'm as cute as a little button!
Mike: The Widow Budding! You know Carl Budding Press Meat products? He's the widow...
Servo: Oh, you make me sick! Just forget it you little morons! I'm cute, okay, I'm cute like that scrawny little squarehead in the movie. But forget it! The whole cute thing's in the crapper!
Mike: I'm sorry, Tom...
Servo: Oh can it, will you?! Man, I need a belt and a smoke. I'm starting to sweat right through the damn babushka.
Mike: That's unpleasant. Oh, B.J. and the Bear are calling.
Observer: You know what's a really great ape movie?
Bobo: What's a really great ape movie?
Observer: "Every Which Way but Loose". Now that's a really great ape movie.
Bobo: Damn, that's a good movie. You know what's a really great ape movie? "Any Which Way You Can".
Observer: Oh, get out.
Bobo: You get out, it's a better ape movie.
Observer: Well, get Mike down here. Hey, Mike, we need you down here again. Now get the man a long-neck there.
Bobo: Okay, Mike, now which is the better ape movie? "Every Which Way but Loose" or "Any Which Way You Can"?
Mike: You know I'd have to say, I think "Any Which Way You Can" is a funnier movie. But on the other hand, "Every Which Way but Loose" is better-made.
Pearl: What... the... hell... do you mean "Every Which Way but Loose" is the best ape movie? What do you know about ape movies? Snag me a brew there. The best ape movie, the best ape movie ever is "Dunston Checks In". End of story. Until next time, Nelson, fresh pain...
Mike: Umm, excuse me, I'm right here.
Pearl: Until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits! Hahahahaha!
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