| MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 9 | 06/15/97 |
| MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 8 | 05/15/97 |
| MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 7 | 04/15/97 |
| MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 9 | 06/15/97 |
| MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 8 | 05/15/97 |
| MSTies Anonymous Newsletter 7 | 04/15/97 |
In This Issue
From the Poobah
"Cornjob's Corner" by Cornjob@hotmail.com
"College Students Produce Quality Cheese" by ASTONE@st1.wou.edu
"MSTable Movies and MST3K Merchandise" by Rmichel424@aol.com
"The Conspiracy Revealed" by jdzarnst@hilltop.ic.edu
"My Take on the Satellite News Going Online" by smitty@logantele.com
"Money For Nothin'/I Want My Deep 13" by mstanon@msties.com
"Perfect MST3K Ep!" by tvfrank@ix.netcom.com
May MSTie of the Month: Novas@ix.netcom.com
MST3K Trivia with Cambot@webtv.net Winners
June MST3K Schedule on SFC
Disclaimers
From the Poobah
Hello, MSTies! This month's issue is HUGE, thanks to your help. The current
record is now set at seven articles. Let's keep up the good work, shall we?
Starting off is Cornjob with his new column, "Cornjob's Corner." In the
future, it'll become an advice column regarding MST3K with your questions.
Send your pleas for help (anonymously signed and all) to him for the new
regular article.
In case you haven't noticed it already, the long-awaited Java Chat is finally
up and running! I'll host chat events every so often and... Yeah, whenever I
feel like it. I plan on being in there for a while before new episodes
premiere on Saturday and during the early reruns. Be sure to stop by and talk
with anyone there! I'll try to get a better schedule...
And now, right here on our stage, let's give a big round of applause to Gaos
the Great!
"Cornjob's Corner" by Cornjob@hotmail.com
This is a story of hope. Um... no. Well, then this is a story of peace.
Well... not really. This is a story of one man's struggle through the turmoil
of World War II. What the?!?! Heeeeyyy!!
Actually, this is a story about nothing and everything. And yes, I could be
more vague. Well, to be more specific, it's a story of my life as a MSTie. How
I must overcome all of the "What the heck is this?!" and the "Why are those
stupid robots sitting in front of the screen and keep interrupting the movie?"
about MST3K.
Hello, I'm Cornjob. My friends call me Jordan. Because that's my name. What?
Think my parents would name me Cornjob? That's just my stage name.
Some people ponder the meaning of life, some try to figure out cures for
diseases, while I walk around trying to figure out why Tom Servo was plastered
to the wall with vegetable matter in episode 416 Fire Maidens of Outer Space.
Guess it's just the way we all think. I sure hope it's not just me. IS it?
SOMEBODY SPEAK UP!!!!
As a MSTie, I am compelled to search for potential MSTies. I pull them into my
tractor beam and make them watch episode after episode of MST3K until they say
uncle. Or is it aunt, maybe second cousin. Oh well.
Though I have very few episodes on tape (only 19), I still find myself
watching them as much as humanly possible. That's just the kind of guy I am.
By the way, I need episodes, but that's not what this is about. What is this
about? No matter. I shall continue to write this article until all are asleep
face flat on their keyboards. Hahahahahahaha!!! You're stuck here!!!!
That's just a little peek into my life. Wait, that's my whole life. I think
I've said too much. I must ride into the sunset and escape the authorities
until I make it to Mexico.
Thank you.
I'll be here all week.
And please, try the veal.
Buh-bye.
"College Students Produce Quality Cheese" by ASTONE@st1.wou.edu
This article is not about MST, but it is about low-budget, cheap, cheesy
programming, so it is still appropriate.
I just wanted a little glory from my baby, THE W-FILES. Thus far, though I
came up with the idea, am a co-writer, chief editor, producer, director, and
costume/set designer, I have as yet had almost no press.
The W-Files is an X-Files parody that we make here at my tiny university, and
it stars a ragtag bunch of students who are great at their parts but often
have to go over a scene 600 times before it is worthy of inclusion. We work
with a camera that is only very slightly better than a camcorder, and an
editing system that is little more than two VCR's that you are lucky to time
well.
But it works in the end. Heck, if the guys from MST can start out with sock
puppets and a blue screen, why not? Though I doubt the show will be returning
for a second season, the first season is quite amusing (if you overlook the
glaring errors). Amusing fun for any fan of cheese. If you would like a copy
of the series, visit our homepage at
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/4324/W-Files.htm where you will find
instructions for ordering.
That's it, folks.
"MSTable Movies and MST3K Merchandise" by Rmichel424@aol.com
As you all know, there are many movies out there that deserve to be on MST3K.
Like most of you, I too like to make jokes at these bad flicks. I think Sci-Fi
Channel should give MST3K a real budget and let them make fun of more recent
films. Big budget hits and flops that did not get good ratings.
I would love to see Mike and the Bots heckle and trash movies like Congo. I
also think they should make fun of TV movies as well. If it was two parts on
TV, make a two part episode of MST3K. I have a list of films that I think
they should poke fun of:
In case you are wondering what the heck Project: Metalbeast is, I'll tell you.
(1970's) It is all about this Army guy named Butler. He and another officer
are in a European country on a secret mission. Their mission is to secure a
blood sample from a real werewolf. The partner dies in the process and Butler
takes the blood to a research lab. The sample is almost depleted and Butler
injects the rest of the sample into himself to become a werewolf so they have
more blood to sample. Soon he turns in to a werewolf and kills one of the
researchers (so the Butler DID do it!?! My, wasn't that a cliché?). He is shot
with silver bullets and dies. The research head puts Butler's body in
cryogenic storage.
Now we jump to present day. Some military research med students are trying to
find a way to make a skin for severe burn victims. The "skin" is like metal.
They need a human body to test its effect on. The director of the research
(same head from 70s) gives them Butler's body. They remove the silver bullets
and Butler lives again!! They are ordered to go ahead and use the body. It
turns to night and Butler turns again into a werewolf. Now he is bulletproof
from his new skin. He kills a few of the students. They melt down the
director's silver coin collection and make a missile head. They are chased by
Butler's shaggy alter-ego. They shoot (they score!) him with the missile and
hit him in the heart. Butler explodes. THE END.
Galaxy of Terror is a cheap Alien imitation. It was so bad I was forced to
make jokes. There was a Daniel Stern look-a-like guy in it. Eeeeewwww. Some
other jokes were:
>Sixty-ish commander climbing up the side of the alien pyramid. Off screen you
hear him scream. Then you see his backpack slide down the side first. Then he
comes rolling after it.
Crow: Knick-knack-paddy-whack, give a dog a bone! This old man comes rolling
home!
>Airlock door opens. The pilot's body is standing there burned to a crisp.
(And looks a bit like the Melting Man's wife.)
Mike: That's what happens when you stay under a tanner too long.
Servo: And the bad thing is they won't give refunds!
Crow: Looks like "Bride of the Melting Man"!
I think that it would be great if Mike and the Bots had to MST those STUPID
commercials that they always show on TV. You know what I'm talking about.
Those commercials that are so annoying or are just plain dumb. Now that would
make the commercials watchable. Here are some examples of what they could do:
[Ensure]
>Little Girl: Grandpa, can I marry you?
Crow: Hey it's Anna Nicole Smith at age five!!
[Car ad]
>VO: It has the largest trunk space in it's class.
Mike: Now you can store more bodies in your trunk.
[Soap ad]
>(Someone washing.)
Tom: I feel pretty, o' so pretty!
[Psychic hotline]
>Woman: Hi I'm _______.
Mike: I knew she was going to say that.
>Woman: And these are real psychics and not actors.
Crow: Just take my word for it!!
[Soap ad]
>(Shot of how soap kills germs.)
Mike: Go away you nasty germs or you'll get more of the same.
[Soap ad]
>(Shot of more people washing.)
Tom: Yes, these people have obsessive-compulsive disorders.
As we all know, Best Brains cannot take any ideas, jokes, scripts, etc. from
the loyal legions of MST3K fans. Like most people, I too have a lot of, what I
think, really good ideas for MST3K merchandise. Here are a few of the ideas I
came up with:
Now let's hear some of your suggestions. Well, that's it for this article. Now
push the Button, Frank!
FRANK!!! *PITOOOSH*
"The Conspiracy Revealed" by jdzarnst@hilltop.ic.edu
Hello, friends. Glad you could make it. Have a seat.
The purpose of this article is to bring to your attention the most frightening
evidence of conspiracy to surface in this great nation of ours since Oliver
North's last cinematic fever dream, whatever the hell it was called. This may
shock and offend some readers, so if you have small children with you, kill
them. It's for their own good, trust me.
All done? Good, now we can get this monkey act started.
The conspiracy I speak of, friends, is no other than:
THE MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000/THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS CONUNDRUM!!!!!
******************************************************************************
That's right, friends, the spacebound sarcastros that have kept you in
stitches for years and the maladjusted maestros that brought you "Particle
Man" are inextricably, I repeat, INEXTRICABLY linked. I type it in all caps,
it's so doggone inextricable. A few examples from the 1994 TMBG album "John
Henry" are in order to prove my point...
EXHIBIT 1: From the popular single "Snail Shell", the second track on John
Henry-
>"I'd like to thank you for putting me back in my snail shell."
The "shell" being referred to here is, quite obviously, the Satellite of Love.
The speaker here is neither Mike nor Joel, but BOTH, the indelible spirit of
humanity that pervades the robot-dominated haven of the SOL and maintains some
twisted sense of order and sanity among the chaos. It vanished for a short
time with the liberation of Joel, but with Mike's instatment, it was "put
back." Get it? Moving right along...
EXHIBIT 2: From the song "Spy"
>"I see you through my spyglasses, baby..."
Aha! An unmistakable reference to Rocket #9!
>"I can see right through the ground."
Right through the ground, underground, DEEP 13??? Think about it, won't you?
EXHIBIT 3: If you play the title line of the song "Meet James Ensor" backwards
at half speed, you can clearly hear the message:
"Crow is a groovy golf shoe."
It's TRUE, I tell you!
EXHIBIT 4: From "Thermostat"
>"When the hands that operate the motor lose control of the lever..."
Mike/Joel and the 'Bots frequently lose control of the satellite and their
surroundings in general. Don't you see it? It's incredible! The parallels to
The Godfather are...well, not really...that well developed, I... uh... hmm...
Huh? What's that? My point? Well, I'm glad you asked, I... um... well, I,
uh... don't really have one. I was hoping that sort of, uh, a theme would pop
up along here somewhere, but it...uh...doesn't seem to be... maybe if I point
out just one more-
Ow!
Hey, knock it off! Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to throw things? And
besides, rotting tomatoes are unsanitary. Now anyway-
Ow! Hey, I said cut it out! What the- OW! OW! Hey, it was just a theory, I
didn't mean- OW! Stop it! OW! HELP! OW! POLICE! OW! OW!!!
"My Take on the Satellite News Going Online" by smitty@logantele.com
I have to say that I am delighted that Satellite News is going online.
However, it is the same as MSTie News, just with beefed up graphics and
sanctions by BBI and the Sci-Fi Channel. What I am concerned about is the
thousands of fans that do not have Internet access. In the past years, online
MSTies have always been first to know of late-breaking MST3K news and info.
Now they have been completely cut off. The wonderful newsletter, although only
received twice a year, brought joy to MSTies everywhere. What will they do
now? Now I understand that a lot of households now have Internet access, but
there are still news-deprived MSTies that do not have the Internet, or other
online services (AOL... AHH!!!!).
Anyway, I think BBI should rethink the process of not sending out any more
newsletters. How hard could it be to turn out 2 newsletters a year? I mean,
they are still maintaining the Info Club, why not continue to put out the
newsletters? It is not like a weekly 100-page Time magazine or something to
that extent. Am I the only one who thinks this way?
What do you folks at home think?
"Money For Nothin'/I Want My Deep 13" by mstanon@msties.com
Play "I Want My Deep 13" MIDI (Frames only)
You shoot out the riffs on the SFC
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Watchin' cheesy movies from Deep 13
Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get Deep Hurting from a little "Manos"
Maybe get a Bouncy Upbeat Song
We gotta attend ConventioCons
Get some autographs please
We gotta buy their MST Movie
We gotta get a chunk of Deep 13
See the mad scientist with the streak in his moustache
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That mad scientist went to L.A.
That mad scientist he's a millionaire
We gotta attend ConventioCons
Get some autographs please
We gotta buy their MST Movie
We gotta get a chunk of Deep 13
I shoulda done stand-up where they are
I shoulda learned to make those puns
Look at that mama, she got it stickin' in the camera
Man we could have some fun
And he's up there, what's that? 2001?
Wantin' The Worst Movie Ever Made
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Watchin' cheesy movies from Deep 13
We gotta attend ConventioCons
Get some autographs please
We gotta buy their MST Movie
We gotta get a chunk of Deep 13
Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
You shoot out the riffs on the SFC
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Watchin' cheesy movies from Deep 13
Watchin' cheesy movies from Deep 13
I want my... I want my Frank, TV's
I want my... I want my Frank, TV's
"Perfect MST3K Ep!" by tvfrank@ix.netcom.com
My perfect MST3K ep (or maybe another movie) would have Mike 'n' the Bots
watching ID4. The opening segment would have the Bots playing chess and would
have Crow wearing glasses and Servo with a deep Yiddish accent (like in the
movie). Once they get into the theater, the riffing would commence! Some of
the riffs would include: (when the phony looking alien comes after Brent
Spiner) "Oh, the alien is on stilts!" (Anybody got any more?) The host
segments would have Mike 'n' the Bots trying to save a planet from the aliens
from the movie and they would have Gypsy whip up a nice virus for them to
plant in the ship and but when they think they whipped the problem, the aliens
ask Mike for some help and (not thinking) he tells them just to get a virus
detection program. Then there would be one more planet Mike has helped to
destroy, D'OHHHHHH!
May MSTie of the Month: Novas@ix.netcom.com
OH MY GOD!!! MOM, COME HERE QUICK!!! WE'VE JUST WON... whoa, hey wait. MSTie
of the Month??? This means I'm like the Fan of the Month or something,
RIGHT??? Well then: OH MY GOD!!! MOM, COME HERE QUICK!!!
Wow, first I would like to thank those most important in my life: that guy
holding up the "Will watch MST3K for food" sign, and that old lady on the
corner that wears really tight ugly clothes and for some strange reason always
tells me that "It'll only cost ya fifty bucks."
Now I guess all of ya MSTies want some very personal info about me...
I'm 16 years old, I have a driver's permit, and I'm taking classes to get my
license in August (the month of my birthday). By the way, I live in the Bronx.
Oh heck let's get stereotypical. I be livin' in DA BRONX, BAY-BEE!!! It's not
as bad as some think. I've only had one car stolen, and my cousin's in jail.
Some things I like: violent action games (you may have heard of some titles:
Duke 3D, Quake... RING A BELL?), sports games (EA and racing), GIRLS (of
course), drawing cartoons (like my image), uh, goofing around, wearing JNCO's
and Airwalks, and on Saturdays at 4pm and 11pm EST I watch "Three's Company."
Was I supposed to keep this thing SHORT???
Forget about it, GIVE the MSTies sumpin' good to read!!!
I'm planning on going to the Rochester Institute of Technology, if anybody has
any important info or close relations to the school please let me know at
novas@ix.netcom.com.
Oh yeah, I do have a web page. (JESUS CHRIST, WHO DOESN'T???)
http://www.netcom.com/~novas/novax_home.html
That's where you can reach it. I HAVE NOT UPDATED IN A WHILE!!! BUT PLEASE
CONTINUE TO CHECK IT OUT... THE IMAGE I HAVE INCLUDED WITH MY LITTLE PIECE OF
NONSENSE IS JUST A LITTLE PIECE OF THE STUFF I WILL INCLUDE (very soon). Also,
it's being made with Microsoft Front Page, so it has to be good.
Boring you yet???
NO? GREAT!!!
I watch MST3K. They have a Website, too.
http://www.mst3k.com/
Thank you, MA, for giving me this randomly-generated honor!!!
I can right alot (I'm in the journalism class in my school *giggle*).
Send any warez, hate letters, electronic plastic explosives, zany ideas, or
maybe artwork requests. Send 'em to me.
Anthony Q. Casasnovas
AlienSoft/ Novas Designs Inc.
novas@ix.netcom.com
I'm gonna be at PC Expo (no, I'm just visiting).
OKAY, OKAY...
Bye already!!!
"I'm Ted Nelson" -Novas
I'm outie!
| Airdate | Time | ### | Episode
| 6/07
| 4:00 PM
| 811
| Parts: the Clonus Horror
| 6/07
| 11:00 PM
| 811
| Parts: the Clonus Horror
| 6/14
| 4:00 PM
| 812
| The Incredibly Strange Creatures
| 6/14
| 11:00 PM
| 812
| The Incredibly Strange Creatures
| 6/21
| 4:00 PM
| 809
| I Was a Teenage Werewolf
| 6/21
| 11:00 PM
| 809
| I Was a Teenage Werewolf
| 6/28
| 4:00 PM
| 801
| Revenge of the Creature
| 6/28
| 11:00 PM
| 801
| Revenge of the Creature
| |
|---|
Disclaimers
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1997
Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights
held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees.
© MCMXCVII MSTies Anonymous - mstanon@msties.com -
kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu - Cool6000@juno.com
"They stole my traysure and I feel displaysure!"