SOL Post 30	01/15/99
SOL Post 29	12/15/98
SOL Post 28	11/26/98

S.O.L. POST

==========================================================================
Volume 29 - http://www.mindspring.com/~mstanon/ - December 1998
Formerly The MSTies Anonymous Newsletter: News for the Obscure Convergence
==========================================================================

DON'T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW!

In This Issue

From the Poobah
"The Poison Pen" by gherity@tcfreenet.org
"Ten Years of MST3K" by chassis@usa.net
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu
"You Don't Know Jack" by skypilot@ezaccess.net
"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com
"Ultimate Turkey Day Marathon: An Editorial" by weird_1@usa.net
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
January MST3K Schedule on SFC
Classifieds 3000
Disclaimers

From the Poobah

Fröhes Weihnachten! With a new version of Jack Frost unfortunately out in theaters, MSTies far and wide have made an outcry of terror in that another bad movie bearing the same name as 813 now exists. Oh, well. The episode 813 Jack Frost is always something to lend to siblings in Russian class for movie day in there. SURGE!!!

"The Poison Pen" by gherity@tcfreenet.org

The Poison Pen NEEDS your help!

I'm running out of coherent gripes to throw out into the realm of Jerry Springer-like discussion. (No throwing chairs please...) So, I'd like to hand over this column to the MSTies out there who would like to get a SEVERE beef off of their chests! So, If you got a beef, I got your hookup!

E-mail that BAD BOY over to me at gherity@tcfreenet.org and I'll be sure to get it up unto the next upcoming issue of the SOL POST! C U THERE!

"Ten Years of MST3K" by chassis@usa.net

"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu

Hey there. I just wanted to know if I'm the only one dreaming of MST3K stuff in their stockings or as gifts. I thought not. I only wish I were good enough to get that Crow and Tom that are for sale. But I know I won't. I ordered myself the MST3K calendar for my own personal X-Mas gift. As I opened it, I was filled with joy. If you haven't got it, put on your list. You won't be disappointed. But that got me to thinking how lucky of a MSTie I am.

Here I'm able watch the best show on TV and still can of dream about getting MST3K merchandise. I mean there must be some poor MSTies out there who can't afford to pay their cable bills or get their kids an MST3K T-shirt. I'm sure you heard of people who lost their jobs and can't afford a decent X-Mas. I'm sure that somewhere there are MSTies who are having trouble making ends meet and can't get that MST3K sweatshirt. It only makes logical sense.

The idea of some poor family where kids run to the tree and want some MST3K merchandise, but instead see no MST3K tapes, hats or any MST3K presents breaks my heart. So I'm willing to make an MST3K gift-giving tree. Yes you've heard of giving trees during Christmas where people chip in and give gifts to some needy family. Well why can't we do the same but give MST3K gifts? Like boxed videotapes for people who just lost their job but love MST3K.

I mean it wouldn't have to be a family who watches MST3K. We could give MST3K T-shirts and sweatshirts to the homeless or needy. They would love it. We would help others while helping our favorite show by buying more stuff. I guess it wouldn't even have to be MST3K stuff but as long we got together, pitched in and gave something, it would worth it. And maybe someone would say "Thank you MSTies Anonymous, for making this Christmas special."

My point is this: we are very lucky for our warm houses, food and family. Some people aren't so lucky. When most people think of fans or clubs devoted to a show they don't think they give something to others. We can prove them wrong and do something good and right. So if you'd like to give something or know of someone who is in need, help and write me. If you're good at setting these things up, please help. I need all the help in world. Any small thing you can think of to give or to do to help out would be great. Please, I can't do this by myself and Christmas is the season to give to others. So please give. You'll be glad you did. My e-mail address is S364128@urgrgcc.edu.

"You Don't Know Jack" by skypilot@ezaccess.net

Merry Christmas!

Read the papers lately? See the TV? If you haven't, a new Keaton film just came out called Jack Frost. A man dies and comes back to life through a snowman's body. Now it's gotten pretty bad reviews from guys like Roger Ebert, but I thought it deserved more.

But we're not here to talk about _that_ Jack Frost. Oh no. A few years ago a direct-to-video horror flick came out. Same name. That was about some old guy that told his grandchild of Jack, a serial killer, who, to put it mildly, died. The cover is a holographic deal with a friendly snowman turns into a not so friendly one. You'll know what I mean.

The point of that is that a whole bunch of chemicals were dumped on him and he melted. Eww. Anyway, his DNA mixed with the snow around him and he was turned into, well, a murderous blood craving... snowman! He goes off and vows to kill the arresting sheriff. But to hell with vows! He'll kill everyone else in the town of Snowmonton instead!

One of the horrible highlights of this is that Jack, who can now separate himself and rematerialize, comes in on a girl taking a shower with his carrot nose, um, somewhere else... but instead of the obvious he goes and turns her into an ice-tray.

Quite a long time goes by with the guy killing everyone. Typical.

But then it comes along. Superman has Kryptonite, Green Lantern has yellow beams, and Jack Frost has... antifreeze! He dies when the townspeople get pissed. Period. Or maybe not period. It's set up for a sequel! (Look... behind... you! BOO!)

Enough enough enough! Not much else you can say 'bout it. I'd say this movie would have become an MST3K original _if_ the blood wasn't so plentiful and realistic. Cheeeeeeeese!

So now go away. Let me try and use this hacksaw on my fruitcake in peace!

"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com

Happy holidays, my fellow MSTies! It is Christmas time once again. This edition, I'll review a few holiday treats.

Jack Frost (1996)
A psycho killer named Jack Frost is on his way to be executed when the vehicle he is riding in crashes with a chemical truck. He survives only to be hit with a scientific chemical. This chemical bonds his soul/persona into the snow. He becomes a killer snowman with a grudge on the small town sheriff that caught him as a human. Frost can melt and refreeze himself at will. The sheriff and townspeople fight him off with hairdryers. Eventually they kill him with a lot of antifreeze, how they discovered this will make you laugh, because it is the only funny thing in the whole movie. This is by far one of the dumbest movies I have ever seen. It is not unwatchable like Manos or Monster a Go-Go. It is simply too goofy to watch at times. For some of the shots they have of him with a victim they use dumbest looking gloves that one can imagine. The gloves look like, to the best of my knowledge, white oven mitts! It looks like a poorly made costume. I give this picture an A+ as a candidate for MST, and a D as a movie because it is so cheesy! Marsha Clark has a role in this film! I'm not sure if it the famous Marsha Clark or someone who has the same name.

Elves (1990)
Here is what IMDb had to say: "A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil Nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty (Grizzly Addams), as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them."
I have seen this movie. My question, why elves? Why not giants, or a bunch of Linda Tripps? The elves look like a cross between the typical elves everyone knows (that have been beaten with the ugly stick) and gargoyles. Why the Nazis would have any need for them, I have no idea. This movie seems to take forever! I give it a C+ because Grizzly Addams kicks major elf a**!

All I Want for Christmas (1991)
A pair of young kids parents are getting a divorce and it is Christmas time all around. The little girl asks Santa to keep them from breaking up. That about sums up the entire freaking movie! It is poorly acted and the only high point is Leslie Nielson playing Santa. I found one big mistake in this pile- o'-dung. The son is watching old home movies, pauses the VCR and then goes to sleep. When he wakes up hours later, the image is still on the screen! There is no way that can happen. All VCRs are programmed to shut off after about five minutes on pause. Trust me, I watched it about four or five years ago and still recall how bad it is. YAWN!

Like Father, Like Santa (1998)
Saw this recently on Fox Family Channel and decided to see how bad it was. Harry Hamlin plays a ruthless businessman who has a special connection to the North Pole. He has one of the elves give him the Naughty or Nice files on other business execs so he can take over their companies. He hates the Christmas season and is never there for his young son and wife. Meanwhile, back at the North Pole, Santa's postal unit feels unappreciated and one of the lackies gives the head of the postmen the idea to take Santa and the elves hostage and for him to take the place of the jolly fat man as the Ice King, so he will finally get respect by doing Santa's job! One of the elves, played by Gary Coleman (who still looks like he did from his early days), manages to not be caught. Hamlin, who promises to be back for Christmas, heads to the North Pole to download the entire Naughty or Nice file so he can do more business. He and Coleman get caught. It turns out Hamlin is the son of Santa! He had run away when he was a teen and hated Santa and Christmas because his father never had time for him. He tells the Ice King everything he needs to do, when he goes into the control room of Santa's work shop to retrieve the downloaded files, he comes across an e-mail to Santa from his son. He reads it to find that all his son wants is for his father to spend more time with him. The letter warms Hamlin's cold heart, he frees Santa and elves, helps take back control of the north pole and acknowledges that Santa is his father. Santa flies his son home, after he willingly returning the NoN files to Coleman, and meets his grandson. The end... of a sappy, crappy, holiday movie!

Christmas Evil (1980)
Widely recognized as the best of the Christmas horror efforts, Christmas Evil is the story of a boy who loves Christmas. He is scarred as a boy when he learns that Santa is not real. Throughout the rest of his life, the toy-maker tries to make the Christmas spirit a reality. He becomes obsessed with the behavior of children and the quality of the toys he makes. When he is met with hypocrisy and cynicism, the resulting snap causes him to go on a Yuletide killing spree to complete this dark comedic horror.
This movie is had to watch because most of the scenes are at night and with poor lighting. Manos even had better lighting! This is as bad as or worse than Manos!

I don't remember the title of this TV Christmas horror film but I do remember a great deal of the basic plot. Family is celebrating Christmas Eve. One of the adults tells the entire family a horror story about some creature that lives at the North Pole. The creature is around 12 feet or so tall, has long tree like arms and hands the size of basketballs; he also has two big ears. The creature tracks down and kills kids that dare say its name, which I forget, by eating them. An hour or so passes after the story is told, then suddenly the creature attacks! That is all I can remember other than two giant cheesy rubber arms coming through a kitchen window in one scene. It was done between 1985-90. If you can find the name of this one let me know. I searched all over IMDb and couldn't find it. Pure MST fodder.

Happy holidays, everyone! Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!

"Ultimate Turkey Day Marathon: An Editorial" by weird_1@usa.net

After reading the November posts about the ultimate Turkey Day marathon I had to consider all the options offered by my fellow MSTies. I have come to a rather strange yet apparent answer. I love every episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 I have ever watched, including the KTMA episodes and to be truthful I never could choose one over the others.

You may as well ask me to choose my favorite snowflake or the best kiss my granddaughter gives me; it is just as hard to choose my all-time marathon. Now I know that some of you nice folks think that this or that episode is better than another is and I can understand your thinking. As for this fan the only marathon I can recommend is to plug in the first KTMA episode you can find, and watch every episode, in order, start to finish up to the last episode aired on the Sci-Fi Channel.

I would gladly pay for the Sci-Fi Channel to obtain all the KTMA and Comedy Central episodes for the chance to tape and watch this marathon. I hope to see you there.

"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com

Vol. 1 Issue 5
Soylent Night: Santa ain’t nothing but Satan misspelled.

Christmas... Bah, humbug! Ebeneezer Scrooge had a point when he referred to the glad tidings of great joy (that somehow magically start around October 20th and last through the final piece of Grandma's rotting sulfite filled dried fruit pebble bread) as a big fat load of hooey. Harlan Ellison, an uncontested genius of a writer, stated for the record that he felt Christmas was and "is an awfulness that compares favorably with the Great London Plague and fire of 1665-66." Viewing this holy cow more like ground chuck, Ellison noted that, in this time of love, warmth and universal hope any person who refuses to bow down to Christianity, or worship at the feet of Madison Avenue and Hallmarks cards is viewed as "an awful heretic, a slug, a vile and contemptible thug."
Yet, every time Rudolph's Shiny New Year or The Man in the Santa Claus Suit flickers across the screen, like Pavlov's dog, we are magically transported to a time when Mom made tray after tray of buttery, sugary, fattening, teeth dissolving and waist expanding cookies, or when the usual old person smell of Aunt Helen's living room co-mingled with odors of pine, cinnamon and liquor. One of the keys to a happy holiday is apparently not the birth of the savior, but the girth of Cousin Hank. Somewhere someone's baking something for somebody to eat; that seems to be a good way of condensing the season into a simplistic overgeneralization.
And trees. Lord, do we hate trees at the holidays. We either kill them or recreate them in environmentally questionable material. We slice them down and up and sideways and create paper to wrap in or cards to sentiment in. We drag them from the comfort and beauty of their natural habitat and prop them in a corner, feeding them water and aspirin. Then we further prove our lack of artistic and moral talent by turning them into some outlandish cliché of the celebration. We spray them with hazardous, ozone killing, fake chemical snow, drape them with cat choking and flammable tin foil strips, and run mile after mile of poorly insulated electrical wiring over them. We then pack on the lights, layer ton after ton until the whole thing shines so brightly that planes landing during Saharan sandstorms could spot them from 20,000 feet.
For what? Why do we do it? Do we honestly feel like decking the halls, or would we rather coldcock the store clerk who can't humanly help 400 people at once, yet is required to do so? Would you rather harken to the herald angels singing, or sharpen a set of steak knives and begin a multi-state killing spree? Would you rather jingle bells or head? There has to be some rhyme or reason to this holiday, other than to give gifts, gain weight and max-out one's credit cards. There must be something better.
At Better 'Bots and Satellites, we've come to the rescue, giving you a holiday worth truly celebrating... Crowsmas. That's right, forget all about the Prince of Peace and the King of Kings and bow down to that "weird gold bird dog thing", to paraphrase Joey the Lemur. Let the cast and crew of the only truly worship-worthy object lead you down the path to true personal happiness and seasonal enlightenment. We're not talking about the traditions that already exist on the S.O.L. (Patrick Swayze, Wish Squishers and multi- cultural political correctness). Its time to unblock the old hat and roll with the new.
The first thing we need is a date. December 25th is taken, and any true holiday exists in its own time and space (take THAT, President's Day). So, let's pick December 22. School will still be out, and what better way to steal a tired and useless holiday's thunder than to celebrate something better right before it. So, Crowsmas is December 22nd. Write it down, mark it on the calendar. Tie string around your finger and carve it into your victims' chests. Prepare the traditional meals and sing the traditional songs. Watch the traditional Crowsmas shows. Now, while you might be tempted to pop in the Holy Gospel of MST episodes (321 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and 521 Santa Claus), resist this temptation. As the true guide of our festival's celebration once said, "there's no tradition like a new tradition."
So, what do we watch on Crowsmas? How about a little tevangelical turd called Christmas Is, nothing short of a 30 minute animated sermon by the Lutheran Church. With an animation style that makes Clutch Cargo look like Toy Story, and a theme song which functions to wash one's brain of any independent thought, Christmas Is is the moving tale of a boy, a school play and time traveling hallucinations. While worrying that his friend does not understand the true meaning of Christmas (Jesus), our hero falls into a Noel-induced stupor and visits Bethlehem (Jesus) where he meets a babe (Jesus) learns why we should celebrate December 25th (Jesus) and awakens to barely make his curtain call. In the end, the play about (Jesus) the holiday is a success, with all the actors worshipping the proper faith (Jesus) and believing what everyone else does (Jesus). Shakespeare had it part right; in Christmas Is, the pray is truly the thing.
Or, how about an American Christmas Carol, with Henry Winkler as a turn of the century miserly tycoon who learns the true meaning of the giving (and latex makeup). Another in the All-American custom of taking some foreigners brilliant idea and totally DESTROYING it. (Amazing, isn't it. France could make the moving tale of a father's desperate attempt to reconcile his divided family, and have it star Gerard Depardieu and we would find a way to turn it into a wacky comedy with Tim Allen and a computer-generated rabbit) In this anti-classic, we see the Fonz, living his life in what appears to be a converted, yet strangely abandoned barn. Sprinkled about the place are all his worldly possessions and antique cobwebs. With the help of the standard threesome of spooks, he peals back the layers of his life like the spackle in his Dick Smith makeup job and discovers that no matter what, Dickens did it first and better. God help us, everyone!
Still, for unadulterated Crowsmas pleasure, one need look no further than the gruesome twosome known as Rankin/Bass (seems there are just too many letters in those names...think about it.) After raping Rudolph and exploiting Santa, they turned their George Pal rip-off puppet animation on those classic Christmas characters, Jack Frost, Nester the Long Eared Donkey and Doris the Incontinent Manger Owl. Are you an obscure fictional figure stuck at the bottom of a traditional holiday greeting, or buried on page 200 of a Yuletide tale? Don't worry, the Rankin/Bass imagination sweatshop will figure out a way to turn your mere mention into several hundred different stories, 80% of them narrated by either Jack Carter or Buddy Hackett.
And what about songs? We have to have songs. Sure, one could rely on the old standards ("Here We Go/Come/Stay a-Wassailing", that really weird Boarshead number), retreat to the slightly off-center ("Hardrock, Coco and Joe", "Suzy Snowflake") or even appropriate and commit to memory the wondrous works of the S.O.L. gang ("Merry Christmas... If That's Okay" or "Whispering Christmas Warrior"). Better yet, we could venture into the world of Rock and/or Roll, and let XTC give "Thanks for Christmas" or watch Martin Newell celebrate a drunken "Christmas in Suburbia". We could surf to the Beach Boys "Little Saint Nick" or agree with the Ramones whose sentiment; "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight)" seems perfect for this time of year.
Maybe we should just spit the proverbial loogie in the face of our EX-Mas and rely on the old mutations ("Jingle Bells, Batman smells", "Angels we have heard are HIGH!", "Joy to the world, the teacher's dead", etc.). Still, it seems that a tribute to something as magnificent as MST deserves homilies of praise and hymns of joy all there own. So, borrowing heavily from previous non-copyrighted and public domain melodies, here are just a few examples of the mellifluous tidings one could spread:

Finally, no holiday is any holiday without food, lots and lots of edibles. Mountains and mounds of baked and fried and sugared and iced vittles. Piles of potatoes, bushels of bread and larders of lard. The traditional Crowsmas meal should feature those things that NEVER make their way onto a holiday table; salads, vegetables, linguine with clam sauce (white OR red) and garlic bread. Or better yet, opt for some Polish sausage and a healthy portion of gas- producing sauerkraut. Cook the ancestral roast mutton and broth, or create a whole festive meal around the pomegranate. Crowsmas is not a time for turkey and dressing and pumpkin. Crowsmas is a time for liver and aspic and pickled okra. Worried about that post celebration obesity? Nothing makes the pounds melt away like food no one wants to eat.
With your new holiday in place, you can determine your own manner of observance. Want to give gifts? Hurrah, but make sure you give things that people want, unlike the usual X-Mas gifts that are exchanged faster than hip- hop groups on the pop chart. Want to volunteer, or give to charity? Avoid the typical suicide hot line gig, or doling out molded turkey loaf to the homeless. Give of your time in true Crowsmas fashion. Make videotapes of MST and donate them to women's abuse shelters. Dress up as Crow T. Robot and entertain at the homes of Muslim or Jewish children, who are usually left out of the traditional jubilee mix all together. Begin a Holiday Humor Hotline, and spend your season trying to explain the popularity of Adam Sandler or Chris Tucker to worried and emotionally fragile people.
Or just be merry for once. Be glad to be alive. Be happy that you can usually pay your bills and that, overall, the country has not climbed all the way into the hand basket and is not quite all the way down into Hell. Rejoice in the simple pleasures of life: a good friend, a friendly pet, and a shower with hot water. Remember that around the world, less enlightened folks are killing and hating each other in the name of senseless ideology and mindless prejudice. Sure, Christmas is a crock, a load and a piffle. But it could mean so much more. It could be so much more. It could be Crowsmas. From all of us at Better 'Bots and Satellites, have a Merry Crowsmas and a Happy 1999. After all, the millennium is just 381 days away. AND MAN, YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN THEN!!!

January MST3K Schedule on SFC

North America
{All times are Eastern and tentative}

Date	Time	###	Episode
01/02/99	11:00 am	908	Touch of Satan
01/03/99	11:00 pm	908	Touch of Satan
01/09/99	11:00 am	913	Quest of the Delta Knights
01/10/99	11:00 pm	913	Quest of the Delta Knights
01/16/99	11:00 am	910	Final Sacrifice
01/17/99	11:00 pm	910	Final Sacrifice
01/23/99	11:00 am	911	Devil Fish
01/24/99	11:00 pm	911	Devil Fish
01/30/99	11:00 am	912	Screaming Skull
01/31/99	11:00 pm	912	Screaming Skull

Europe and Africa
{All times are U.K. and tentative}

Date	Time	###	Episode
02/01/99	14.00	TBA
03/01/99	24.00	TBA
09/01/99	14.00	TBA
10/01/99	24.00	TBA
16/01/99	14.00	TBA
17/01/99	24.00	TBA
23/01/99	14.00	TBA
24/01/99	24.00	TBA
30/01/99	14.00	TBA
31/01/99	24.00	TBA

Classifieds 3000

[This space for rent. Free.]

Disclaimers

All material written by club members in this publication does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the staff of MSTies Anonymous. Endorsement of above publicized activities not operated by MSTies Anonymous should not be implied. Published material is subject to editing only for spelling, grammar, clarity, and formatting; other changes are not made without express written consent of the author.

Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1998 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees. "Gizmonics" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so please do not sue us.

© MCMXCVIII MSTies Anonymous
The Poobah mstanon@msties.com
Jet Jaguar kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu
Zen Psycho zenpsycho@yahoo.com

"Droppo, you're the laziest man on Mars."

Back to SOL Post.
Back to MSTies Anonymous.