| SOL Post 33 | 04/15/99 |
| SOL Post 32 | 03/15/99 |
| SOL Post 31 | 02/15/99 |
S.O.L. POST
==========================================================================
Volume 32 - http://www.mindspring.com/~mstanon/ - March 1999
Formerly The MSTies Anonymous Newsletter: News for the Obscure Convergence
==========================================================================
MST3K: THE END
In This Issue
From the Poobah
"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com
"Cancel" by jonas42@hotmail.com
"Thanks" by weird_1@usa.net
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
"Yada, Yada, Yada..." by hamdingr@theworks.com
March MSTie of the Month: aloweecey@adelphia.net
MST3K Trivia Winners
April MST3K Schedule on SFC
Classifieds 3000
Disclaimers
From the Poobah
The word has finally come in. MST3K will end on Sunday, August 8th, 1999. I
know that many of our reactions to the startling news was similar... Shock and
horror... A sudden wave of emotions flooding through one's soul, deeply
saddened by the realization of the imminent final ending, yet laughing from
the many years of laughter the show has brought. February 24th was more than
just a bad day for MSTies. Rant? Okay!
Denial. Many MSTies, especially new Sci-Fi era ones, have already jumped on
the "Save MST3K" bandwagon. Now although it is a noble and just cause, nothing
can be done without the will and direction of the Brains. Any other measures
except for increasing viewership would be nothing but premature at this point
in time. Until such a time that the Brains tell us their intentions loud and
clear, all we can do is watch and enjoy Season 10.
Anxiety. Twenty-seven days until 1001 Soultaker. One-hundred forty-six days
until 1013. But there is no reason to dread the end. We must remember that all
good things must come to an end at some point, including the very best TV show
ever made. All living things must die, but in their place come new and
wondrous creations... I can only imagine what the Brains can conjure up when
allowed to be fully creative.
Depression. What to do when all is said and done? No more new episodes,
completed web sites, tape libraries, 'Bots... What next? Will there be nothing
left? Nothing more than 197 episodes and eleven years of fond memories? Of
course. Our fellow MSTies will always be there to reflect upon the cow-town
puppet show, to riff the Saturday afternoon matinee on local TV, to crack wise
at society in general. MST3K may not last forever, but MSTies will as we pass
on the Turkey Day tradition to our children and our children's children. 'Bot
replicas will become family heirlooms and tape (later DVD-converted) libraries
designated for family evenings and parties with good friends.
Anger. When bad things happen to good shows it's sometimes easier to just
point the finger at people in high places. Easy scapegoats, perhaps. New
Executive Vice-President of Programming at SFC, Bonnie Hammer, has taken much
of the blame for the decision. Although our hero, Barry "Queen of Outer Space"
Schulman, has moved on to other enterprises, relations between the Brains and
SFC are still good. There is no reason to hate SFC or to chafe anyone there at
the expense -- not benefit -- of the Brains. If we really want to help the
Brains, there's no use in taking out our frustrations on SFC. Rather, find the
nearest ren-fest punching bag, John Elway voodoo doll, or younger sibling to
beat senseless. Well, maybe not siblings. But the other two are good!
Guilt. Several MSTies have felt that it was their fault in the downfall of
MST3K. Whether it be asking SFC to add a new series, not watching enough MST,
or not writing to SFC early on, these are all incredibly minor things that
couldn't make such a major impact as the final decision. No one is really to
blame... MST3K has run its course as all great TV series do. But we can still
support it as enthusiastically as ever through to the end. Let's give it a
good send-off.
Acceptance. Contrary to popular belief, it's not over yet. Instead of being
the biggest disaster in the history of MST3K, this may be its finest hour.
Season 10 looks to be one of MST's very best, right in the swing of things
with guest shots from MST alumni and a wide variety of 13 cheesy movies. We
can only imagine what kind of breathtaking, pulse racing, red-turning, crying,
uncontrollable laughter will be induced by each and every episode as the show
draws to a close. Oh, it will end with a bang. A magnificent, glorious bang
that will echo through the mountaintops and across the widest valleys as
MSTies everywhere all cry out with laughter at once... and are then silenced.
jazz@blatt.org asks: "I wasn't sure whom else to ask. I am curious as to what
episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 it was I was watching that they had
the line 'girl = dumb.' I laughed so hard. I am just dying to find the episode
again, or at least the sound byte for it."
MrNelson007 says: "Yes, well, this is all well and good, but the only way to
recieve classified information such as this is to perform a strong
initialization test. You must first find to shrubberies, then chop down trees
using Herring. Afterwards, the mighty Poobah will slice off your middle
finger. All hail Poobah!
MSTAnon says: "I don't make this stuff up, folks. As for that particular
quote, I can't recall ever hearing it. Sorry..."
BobIshmael says: "Who cares? Does it really matter? Does anything really
matter anymore? The coming end of our beloved show... NO! Our beloved way of
life and reason for living is a sure sign of the apocalypse. Does this petty
and meaningless question mean anything? Should I even bother to give an
answer, when I should be stocking up on canned food and weapons to fend off
rioting neighbors? Is this life without purpose worth living? Yes, it has to
be. I must go on, to live in this oblivion is more favorable than death
without episodes on tape... Sigh... Maybe I can watch 'The Visitor' or
something."
"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com
This issue I'm once again doing something. Since MST3K began to show shorts
again, I decided to come up with things they could use as shorts.
Birdman Cartoons.
These used to play on Cartoon Network's Toonami. These ten-minute cartoons
are rather pathetic. Birdman lives in a giant volcano crater with his
pet/sidekick against evil, an Eagle named Avenger. Occasionally he appears
with a prepubescent sidekick named Birdboy. Birdman gets his orders from his
boss who looks a great deal like Nick Fury! Birdman gets his powers from the
sun. If he is out of the sun for a long time he grows weaker. For some reason
every time he takes flight he has to yell "BIIIIIIRRRRDMAN!" Birdman protects
the world against the evil forces of FEAR. For a host segment the 'Bots could
come up with their plans to off Birdman.
Space Ghost Cartoons.
I'm not saying that they are all bad, some are OK, but the later ones have
a laugh track added to them, which ruins the action (?) of the cartoon. Space
Ghost fights enemies like Moltar, Brak, Zorak (a giant talking mantis),
Creature King, and many others. He travels around with Jan and Jace, a pair of
twins who help SG. SG gets his power from a pair of wristbands and can make
himself invisible, well actually just turn himself in to a white outline of
his body.
Pokémon.
This cartoon is all the rage in Japan and is fairly decent, but still is
very cheesy from time to time. People battle with these little monsters using
various abilities and try to catch wild ones. The main hero is Ash, a young
teenager who sets out to become the greatest Pokémon trainer ever. Along the
way, Misty and Brock (not Brack) join him on his journey. They constantly run
in to the bad guys, Jesse and James of Team Rocket, who are extremely pathetic
and couldn't win a fight on their life! It remains decent sometimes, but then
it takes a bizarre turn. In one episode Ash, Misty, and Brock run in to a bike
gang. The bike gang rides bicycles, not motorcycles. Apparently Jesse and
James were part of the gang. James was the only one who used training wheels.
Now that is one of the main reasons it should be MSTed from time to time.
Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.
There is only one episode I have seen that deserves to be given the MST
treatment. I believe it is called "Hercules and the Beanstalk." Hercules and
the King of Thieves, Autolycus, played by Bruce Campbell, must rescue a girl
from a giant who took her up a giant beanstalk. She and the giant had been
commanded to watch over three golden Harpie Eggs. Herc is interested in saving
the girl, while Autolycus is interested in stealing as many valuables as
possible. Herc and Autolycus are they only ones that can see that the giant
and girl are really in love. Soon the eggs hatch. The giant, Typhoon, has
already named the harpie eggs Fee, Fi, and Fo-fum. The harpies look like
gremlins, only more friendly and feminine, and act like hyperactive kids. Herc
and Autolycus get caught. Herc manages to escape and talk to the giant. He
decides to let Herc and Autolycus go, but the harpies have escaped. Herc,
Typhoon, and Autolycus must get back the harpies. Herc does battle with a CG
cloud snake, after making it regurgitate a recently swallowed baby Harpie. The
harpies try to climb down the beanstalk. Herc and Autolycus go down after
them. One falls off, so Herc makes a makeshift bungee cord out of a vine and
jumps after it, catches it and springs back up the vine. The giant and girl
confess their love to one another and promise to raise the harpies to be good,
who meanwhile are acting like the three stooges with eye gouges and head
bopping. Herc and Autolycus make it down the vine and split up after the giant
uproots the vine so the harpies cannot escape again. The end.
Finally, on a sadder note, I will be closing my personal web site,
Crow@biteme.com, soon. I haven't had many requests lately, plus I'm busy with
college so I don't have the time. I was once one of the big fan sites, but I
haven't updated since the end of Season Eight.
We must save MST3K!!!
If any of you have bad films to suggest, don't hesitate to send me
suggestions. Write to me at RMichel424@aol.com. Please make the subject
something like "Suggestions" or "Bad Flicks" so that I know it isn't a
solicitation.
So I leave you with this, my favorite line, from a MST commercial at least:
"Turkey fact #12. Turkeys are filled with enough eltriptaphane to knock you
on your sorry Thanksgiving a**!" -Crow
"Cancel" by jonas42@hotmail.com
What to write about this month? Well, there's only really one thing to
write about. That's right -- you're smarter than you look -- the impending
cancellation of our favorite show on TV. We all knew it was coming; yet it's
still such a shock. Anyway, to the point: For all of you out there thinking
about letting this fantastic series die gracefully, don't give up now. We've
saved this series before and, damn it; we'll do it again. There are lots of
other networks out there and lots of sites where you can get addresses. Please
don't send any angry mail, let's keep this civil. And everyone, don't forget
the most important form of support: watch the show and encourage others to do
the same. Let's show those Neilson bastards who wears the pants on the Sci-Fi
Channel.
"Thanks" by weird_1@usa.net
I want to take this time and space to thank the Sci-Fi Channel for the few
extra years we, as MSTies, got from them. Sure, I'm sorry to see the show
leave the channel, as I thought it was a good fit for them. Like most of you,
I'm gonna miss the show. But, if not for them, we would never have found out
about Bobo, or Brain Guy. Oh, the fun!
So, despite the fact that I want the show to be here forever, I must in all
fairness, thank them for what they have given us. So, hats off Sci-Fi Channel,
I for one needed that.
But how about that final show? I have a twisted idea: how about "The Green
Slime"? This is where the show started back at KTMA. How about everyone from
the Mads, to TV's Frank, the KTMA 'Bots to Observer to MSTies gather for a 3
hour cast and fan free for all, with MST3K: The Home Game, and Caption This
Challenge Part 2. Okay, so I dream about crazy things...
What do you think, sirs?
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by S364128@urgrgcc.edu
Well I'm sure we have all heard about the MST3K cancellation and we all had
a good cry. But let me remind most of you that this not the time to get mad;
this is the time to fight. So instead of wasting this article of complaining
and yelling I'm going devote half of the time to remind us how tough we MSTies
are. But in first half of this article I'm going talk about the Ohio Sci-Fi
Film Festival in Pickerington. (I'm soooo going.) I just want to let you know
that this is not complaining article; if you want read one, go somewhere else.
The first thing I want to talk about is the Ohio Sci-Fi Film Festival in
Pickerington. It's happening April 10-11. I'm so excited to go. I can't wait
to mingle with some other MSTies. If you're going, let me know. Maybe we could
talk and meet up there.
Well like said, I was upset and mad when I heard the news about the
cancellation. But it does no good to just sit and cry and point fingers about
whose fault it is while this injustice happens. Now we have to wipe the tears
away and fight. Yes, fight. Heck, we did it once and we can do it again. We
all remember the heartache that CC put us through and we survived. Sure we
might have lost some people who insisted that the CC days were better. But we
gained some new MSTies, too.
We MSTies are tough. Not only do we have to fight to save MST3K, but
sometimes we have to justify why we love it to each other. (Well least I do.)
Most don't get why we MSTies love MST3K and enjoy this funny, intelligent
show. I have run into a couple people who told me that MST3K is a stupid show
and deserves to be cancelled. I ignore these people and go on with my life.
I've also run into people who have never heard of show and I have to explain
it to them. But I'm always willing to share it with people even if they don't
care for MST3K when I do. It's something I love and treasure and I'll be
d*mned if I'm going to sit around and just let it be cancelled.
I'm going to try my best to make sure it doesn't happen. Sure I might lose,
but at least I'll know I fought. For the lost causes are best causes to fight
for. (Thought I doubt this qualifies as a lost cause.) So if you know of any
way I or anyone else can help or if you have done something major or minor to
help out in this fight, let me know. Next month with the review of the new
episode I'll give those who have helped out a big HI-KEEBA for their work. So
let's go out there and give it to them.
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
Vol. 1 Issue 7
Candy is dandy, but... Why don’t we get drunk and spew?
There is a great tradition in the cinema, one that reaches as far back as
those first few flickers of imagery on the walls of Thomas Edison's rumpus
room. No, we are not talking about Al Jolson, burying his puffy Jewish puss
under 18 layers of #15 India Ink and singing about his "Mammy," his "Dixie"
and his "Racial Insensitivity." No, we are not discussing the Biblical saga,
where a veritable trash bin lining of ex-stars make like famous heroes from
the Dead Sea Scrolls, with questionable motivations and accents thrown in for
our entertainment displeasure. We also are avoiding the whole Western genre.
After all, how many times can you dissect and reinterpret the antihero, the
proto-antaganist or the sight of Gabby Hayes, astride a sway backed reject
from Elmers, moving slowly and rankly into the sunset, leaving little steaming
piles behind like some sort of fecal version of Hansel and Gretel. The horse,
I mean. I think.. I hope!
No, what are talking about is the substance abuse drama; the story of
Scotch, the tale of tonic or the inebriated epic. It seems like every method
and/or formula actor or actress worth their weight in tequila glass salt wants
a crack at portraying someone on crack. To try and tackle the ins and black
outs of intoxication. To focus all their sense memory and Oscar hopes on the
art of falling apart. Why, you may ask? After all, you have seen your drunk
Uncle Louie at family gatherings for as long as you have been cognizant of the
word 'shame' and there is nothing noble in his vomit. There is very little
worth savoring in his sour mash breath and blood vessel burst eyes and nose.
And there is definitely something unsettling about the odor of failure and
desperation pouring off him like body odor at a Lillith Fair Concert.
Still, every SAG member, Equity shill, or Summer Stock stage hand longs for
the day when they can swig bottle after litre after carafe of warm iced tea or
apple juice and proceed to act smashed, sloshed and, come to think of it, a
lot like your 2nd grade teacher Mr. Phelps, who retired "early" after a mishap
with the Bunsen burner and several hamsters your best friend Ernie brought in
for show and tell. Even those 'actors' for whom the term means little more
than their ability to maintain mobility find the need to toss back a few
spirits and attempt slurred speech and awkward body contortions. And this is
before the director yells "action."
As a public service, Better 'Bots and Satellites has decided to investigate
this theme of dipsomania. Scanning the watering holes and dive bars of the MST
catalog, an entire undercurrent of lushness can be uncovered. And we aren't
talking about crushed velvet curtains or ankle thick avocado green shag
carpet. Like a stream of unconsciousness, flowing and tippling among the rocks
and high balls of the cinematic shores, there are literally a thousand
mentions of magnums, several odes to Ouzo, an account or two of Anisette and
many a spun yarn to Yaegermeister.
Films like 407 Killer Shrews and 507 I Accuse My Parents are entire
celebrations of cordials (not vice-versa... I think). Booze in not only a prop
in these drunken dramas, it sits right down at the micro mini-bar, soils the
seat cover and becomes part of the dysfunctional family. In "Shrews," Ken
Curtis (who played a character named after an infection in Gunsmoke), decided
that his limp and fey ways on television were not enough to guarantee his
place as an obscure reference to a trivia question in a trade paperback on
unimportant character actors of the 60's. So he grabbed all his F.U. money and
bellied right up to the motion picture saloon to pour himself a tall cool one.
However, instead of a rarefied and civil libation, he came up with the hair of
the rug covered dog that tried to bite him. After a long day being chased
around the set by hyperactive collies hopped up on Mescaline and shrouded in
30 year-old molding carpet samples, there was not much left for him to do but
book passage on the Cutty Sark and hope for smooth sipping ahead.
Or take 507 I Accuse My Parents. 'The Recipe' plays a role so important
here that it deserves an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor (even though it
really should have been nominated in the Best Actor category. It gets more
screen time than the lying high school ersatz criminal we call the male lead).
The slightest, tiny increment of plot acts as a catalyst for heart-felt toasts
and the clinking together of glasses. Jimmy wins an essay contest? Time for a
high ball. Jimmy's mom shows up to school "a little too happy," embarrassing
the bejesus out of the United States of America? Time for a snifter of port.
Dad shows up at home for his weekly banter, shower and ascot change? Time for
a shot and a beer. Our hero kills a mobster, goes on the lamb from; (a) the
law, (b) his puffy girlfriend and (c) his tab at the local cocktail lounge and
ends up working for a chunky short order cook who makes him attend church and
sleep in a cot near the grease trap? Time for a night cap, and another collect
call to the organ donor line to see if that new liver is ready yet.
Unlike the moddled motifs used by the films above, other filmmakers have
used alcohol to enhance, not overpower their thin narrative outings. Many a
celluloid fable in the MST vault chooses to focus its depravity, to allow only
one of its characters to be smitten with a thirst so powerful no water can
quench it. Not even Gatorade. In films like 906 Space Children and 402 Giant
Gila Monster, we are introduced to the drunk, the wino, the wet brain; a human
potato with nothing more on his mind than a couple of six-packs and a lot of
dead gray matter. Both films manage to encompass the two sides of the boozer,
the yang and gin. so to speak. In the "Giant Gila," we see the comic potential
in those inexplicably and physically addicted to hooch. As our happy go yucky
gutter jockey stumbles onto the screen, rubs his gin blossomed nose and mixes
single syllable words with saliva, you can hear the audience doubled over,
rocking slowly in their seats to keep the urine from flowing out and over
their lower torso. Apparently, those struck down by insobriety, those poor
pathetic wretches who know no temperance are as hilarious as Moms Mabely, Pat
Cooper or Tori Amos. From Barney Gumble to the Baldwin Sisters, from the
plastered old bats in "Arsenic and Old Lace" to the stout British ale-ings of
"Arthur" (stuck somewhere between the moon and New York City, and lets pray to
God he stays there) our funny bones apparently find something really
uproarious about licentiousness.
But there is a dark side to all this hilarious unhealth. Even in the sphere
of the stoned, for every jester there must be a brute. Just as common as the
happy, jovial inebriate is the angry, sullen sponge. In a motion picture DT
like 906 Space Children, we get a first-hand account of the ire caused by Remi
Martin, to witness a kind of panchromatic equivalent to spousal abuse. Russell
Johnson (of 'and the rest' fame on Gilligan's Island), looking bitter and
dejected (it appears he failed to get in on the back end of Sherwood Schwartz'
syndication deal), or maybe just depressed that marijuana does nothing for
him, unlike Bob Denver, brings to the screen a portrayal of violent alcoholism
so morbid and disheartening it makes an album by Bauhaus resonate like the
soundtrack to "Brigadoon." El Professore, pride destroyed by an emasculating
wife and effeminate stepson, turns to his friends Jim and Jack (Beam and
Daniels, respectively) and begins a long days journey beyond the wine and
roses and into the nights of drunk tanks and multi-count indictments. Sadly,
his character ends up just like his all knowing television doppleganger did;
dead, bloated and washed up along a beach, rage barely diminished by his lack
of vital signs, head swimming with thoughts of defilement and exasperation.
Now, not every film in the MST vault shows it hand so brazenly. There are a
few who substitute seemingly benign and common place fluids in the stead of
gigantic fifths of Seagrams or vats of Wild Turkey. Yet even in this
subterfuge, they scream the same inexplicable message; overindulge! In 206
Ring of Terror, for example, we are forced to witness scenes of elbow bending
so advanced and manic that Dylan Thomas would feel sober and ascetic by
comparison. We are not, however, forced to witness the last liquored up life
moments of some poor unfortunate. No sir, in "Ring," we get to see two
incredibly fat and bloated lovers indulge in shakes, sodas, freezes, creams,
malts, fizzes and wanton looks of sexual passion, both at the frozen dairy
confections and at each other. Its almost as disgusting and disturbing as
Mickey Roarke in "Barfly." Almost. If Brad Pitt hadn't killed him at the end
of "Seven," the serial killer in that flick would have had a field day with
these two. They are both so large that they would have to invent new deadly
sins just so they could violate them. If they had been featured in that dark
little dramatized derangement, they would have had to re-title it "Seven and a
Half." Or maybe "Eight." Or maybe "Eat."
Or how about 311 It Conquered the Earth? Within the 87 minutes of this
Attack of the Killer Gerkin, we witness the 1990's version of elixir excess
time warped back to the 1950's. As a giant carrot and his flying omelet
henchman swoop and poop on Lee Van Clef and Peter (one foot in the) Graves,
more coffee is served, consumed, ground, perked, French pressed and espressoed
than in Italy, Brazil and Juan Valdez's underpants. On average, the cast of
"It" drinks their welter weight in Good Morning America, feels their jangled
nerves fizzle fry and implode and then steadies their collective cup for
another blast of Arabica power. If drama was java, this film would be filled
to the rim with the rich taste of Brim, mountain grown and good to the last
plot. Heck, they could open a Starbucks in Master Graves lower intestine, what
with the caffeine blasting through it like a strip miner. On this pre/post-
invasion planet Earth, Sanka is sacrilegious, Postum is not a potent potable
and Taster's Choice is referred to by its scientific name; Warm Mule Wizz. And
everyone takes it black, like their hearts.
Still, when forced to deal with the issues raised by those three weird
sisters, Drambuie, Frangelica and Bacardi, several films opt for a more
underhanded approach. Take 408 Hercules Unchained (or was that Uncaged... or
Unintelligible). As our lumbering steroid bank moves like a robotic tree stump
from one tacky set piece to another, he is given a potion which, temporarily,
causes him to black out and forget the ones he loves and his goals in life. It
is called wine, or the waters of forgetfulness, something like that. Or how
about the 802 Leech Woman, for whom no aperitif is complete without a mixer.
It just so happens that, instead of Schweppes Bitter Lemon or Snappy Tom
Cocktail Mix, she prefers, the slimy gland juice that oozes from the brain
stem after it has been perforated by a unstylish biker ring. Say yes, to
Malfeasance and Rossi on the rocks.
In 812 Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up
Zombies, a seedy sideshow palm reader, who is able to see into the future
about as well as she can affect a gypsy accent, determines that the only way
distended businessmen will allow themselves to become subjects of her acid-in-
the-face undead makeovers is to slip a mickey in their Alaskan Polar Bear
Heater. Before you can say 'comatose,' the chemicals hydrogen, sulfur and
oxygen react all over these bloated bozos, and begin to do what no amount of
Aids Diet Candies or cans of Sego could ever accomplish; acre upon hectare of
flesh begins to drip off these husky suckers. In 602 Invasion USA, the entire
premise of the film is built upon the apparent hypnotic and hallucinogenic
properties in a Rob Roy. As the strange man at the bar spins his tale of
Communist takeover and world nuclear annihilation, he slowly swirls his neat
Gimlet, served in what appears to be an oversized novelty eye wash cup.
Apparently, just staring deep into this fiendish firewater for point three of
a second will make you envision your overthrow by Russians, the incineration
of millions and the develop an all encompassing desire to swig borscht.
This list could go on, growing as large as the goiter in Tor Johnson's
neck. The sullen wife in 905 Deadly Bees, using intoxicants as a means of keep
her from thinking of the dog's meat. Ross Hagen in 202 Sidehackers,
determining that the best way to deal with the burning in his gut (damn chili
peppers!) is to flood it with gallons of near beer. Or Zap Rozdower, the heavy
drinking hero of 910 Final Sacrifice, for whom gettin' likkered up is a matter
of national duty and pride. Playing loudly like your neighbors children within
each of these non-abstinent legends is the same message, repeated over and
over again like a song by Britney Spears. Don't eat, don't be merry, just
drink. Yeah, you'll die tomorrow, but you'll save on the cost of the funeral
as you will be pre-embalmed. Get whacked out on wowee sauce. Booze is good
food, or as Dr. Clayton Forester once opined, "Enjoy booze today, because
booze really heals."
So, what are you waiting for? The millennium? Your wedding anniversary? For
you to reach the legal drinking age? Forget it. Indulge your sweat tooth and
enjoy booze today. Make life a little queasier. The proof is in the proof.
Invest in a home distillery and produce intoxicants from raisins and used
Casper comics. Form your own MST 10-step program, because you would NEVER take
the last 2 steps to being clean and sober. Don't wake and bake, just wake and
intake! Remember, liquor is your friend, your only true friend. When the going
gets tough, the tough get blotto. Grab a keg and start to parr-taay. What? Is
BB&S really suggesting that people copy the lifestyles of the rich and
painless? Absolute... ly. So come, let's celebrate with some Tranya! Remember,
in space, no one can hear you heave.
"Yada, Yada, Yada..." by hamdingr@theworks.com
Right now, I'm typing this one-handed, because my other hand is pulling on
a tug-of-war rope with my now infamous dog, Casey MITCHELL. He's growling.
That means he likes it.
OK, he took it away from me, so now I have more hands to bring you, the
reader, with the type of typing accuracy that's been expected from
Suzanne Yada.
And now, on to my article. Caution: before you proceed, it's once again
dealing with cancellation. So if you don't want to read more about it, skip
all the way down to the next item.
(opinion type=mine rate=high)
Everybody's talking about... yeah, the cancellation. I've stated my
opinion, and I'll state it again, with full-blown explanations and slight
modifications.
I am more than perfectly willing to let the show rest in peace. And I stand
by that statement. Let me explain.
I've been watching the show since seventh grade, and I'm a senior in high
school now. I guess that bumps me up to the "veteran" category, even though
I've never been around long enough to watch a Joel episode WHILE he was still
on the show. Anyway, I have more tapes of episodes than I've ever had time to
watch. I'd give some away, but 1) the tapes are not legally mine, they're my
best friend Karen's, and 2) I'm selfish. They've done over 200 shows
(including specials and the whole bit), and if that wasn't enough, I don't
know what is.
Now I don't know about you, but I've tried riffing movies. I get tired of
it after 5 movies. I know I'd get tired after about 200, EVEN IF you paid me
wages. I am perfectly aware that BBI STILL WANTS to make the show. If they
want to or if they don't, that's their decision. But it's my personal opinion
that they should pull a "Seinfeld": stop while they're ahead.
I understand that people have just started watching MST3K. But what show
doesn't add a new fan base after every season? When can we draw the line? I
probably angered some newbies out there, but seriously. They've been going for
10 years. It can't go on forever, no matter how much you want it to. So when
can they stop?
The Internet is a miracle. There are TONS of tapes traded EVERY DAY. Most
of the time, the only money involved is just reimbursement. And there's about
200 to choose from, people! How can you possibly say that's not enough?
For people who've known MST for a while, you know that they've been on a
rollercoaster of good and bad seasons. Right now, in my humble opinion,
they're on an upswing. I don't want to see them go downhill again like the
latter end of the sixth season, again in my humble opinion.
I love MST as much as the next guy. Well, ok, I have to admit that my
infatuation with the show has worn off a bit over the... what is it, 5 years?
But I still am passionate about it. It's still my favorite TV show. But I'm
not going to be writing any stations... or calling, or e-mailing, or sending
bombs to Sci-Fi or any of that. Fans need to realize that if you do that, you
might be asking BBI to keep running on steam that might not even really be
there, despite cries from BBI stating otherwise.
I say that we shouldn't over-exhaust already exhausted Brains. For a mind
is a terrible thing to lose.
(/opinion)
Dang it, now my dog fetched the rope and dropped it at my feet. I gotta go.
March MSTie of the Month: aloweecey@adelphia.net
Alice Loweecey, currently married with two kids under 8, telecommuting
full-time from a minuscule corner of her spare room for a direct marketing
company. Sounds quite average, doesn't it? At the tender age of five, my
wonderful dad and I would sit up on Friday evenings and watch terrific grade-B
(or lower) monster movies. (Black-and-white goes without saying... they didn't
have color TV yet!) By the time I was a teenager, he and I were hiding food in
the car trunk and taking in all-night, five-feature drive-in movies. This is
not your Ozzie and Harriet childhood.
For the plot twist, at the age of 18 I joined the convent. See what 12
years of Catholic school education will do to your mind? By all rights, I
should've been inventing a better robotic maid in science lab. We continued a
great tradition, though, and in full habit (that means black veil and very-
high-collared long black dress, with sensible (read: ugly) black shoes) he and
I continued to take in sci-fi at the theaters. The spectacle of the two of us
coming out of an early showing of "Deadly Blessings" instantly silenced an
entire crowd waiting in the lobby for the late showing!
Moving on... four years later, having kicked the habit and graduated
college simultaneously, I went on to play prostitutes on the local amateur
theater stages. My future husband rescued me from this life of tiny audiences
and mediocre parts by marrying me and whisking me off to Buffalo, New York. I
returned the favor by corrupting his computer-driven mind into watching old
John Agar and Boris Karloff movies. Now he looks forward to MST3K almost as
much as I do. Has anyone else noticed it gets funnier the more tired you are
from a long day working & kid wrangling?
So of course, my sweet children are already being initiated into the joys
of black-and-white kitsch. Long live James Whale!
MST3K Trivia Winners
Trivia is back after a long hiatus following the re-disappearance of our
old Triviamaster. Oh, well. On with the Q&A results!
Q: 50. In the special issue of "Request" magazine advertising the Beatles
Anthology 3, why did Mike say the Beatles broke up?
Submitted by: Servo T.
A: Because Ringo sang.
Winner: Nobody got it during the several months it was up. Way to stump 'em!
Q: 54. What would Russia rename London if they crept in the back door?
Submitted by: Locdog07.
A: Krushevgraud.
Winner: Uh, okay... Is this from MST, Locdog? Oh, well. No winner.
Q: 56. What happened to Frank when he sang the happy thoughts song?
Submitted by: Tiger 8970.
A: He got blown up by a grenade.
Winner: S0LCrow.
Q: 57. What was the name of the good for nothing, ex-cult memeber "hero" in
Final Sacrifice?
Submitted by: Road Monkee.
A: Zap Rowsdower.
Winner: Matt E. Merso was the first to spell "Rowsdower" correctly.
Q: 58. Finish this phrase: "Mike, I'm gonna grab a step ladder so you can
_______________."
Submitted by: Proferes.
A: Jump up my butt.
Winner: Perennial trivia victor, Atog554.
Q: 59. What is Servo's middle name?
Submitted by: Jkr Potato.
A: Neval.
Winner: Calvin Crowe.
Q: 60. What is Tom's PIN number in 912?
Submitted by: Jkr Potato.
A: [Classified]
Winner: No winner as of yet!
Q: 61. In 303, what was "Movie A"?
Submitted by: Dragonfly_227.
A: The Hunters.
Winner: Locdog07.
Q: 62. Who does Pearl name Crow after?
Submitted by: AJ Nowick.
A: Art Carney.
Winner: Former Jeopardy!-esque MST3K Trivia champion, Atog554.
Q: 63. Who was Professor Bobo's assistant?
Submitted by: AJ Nowick.
A: Dr. Peanut.
Winner: MG MST3K.
That's it for this month's round of Q&A. Be sure to send in your own
original, tricky questions for your fellow MSTies to answer... And be quick to
the draw when new ones are posted!
Now would be a great time to remind everyone that a new game of Jeopardy!-
esque MST3K Trivia starts on April 1st, so review your trivia knowledge and
check out the new password system in the meantime. Round 1 will run through
April, Round 2 in May, and the Final Round during the first two weeks of June.
All of the regular rules on the TV game show Jeopardy! will apply. And once
again, the winner after this three-month game will be awarded the Rhino MST
tape of their choice. Good luck!
April MST3K Schedule on SFC
North America
{All times are Eastern and tentative}
04/03/99 - 11:00 am - [0907] Hobgoblins
04/04/99 - 11:00 pm - [0907] Hobgoblins
04/10/99 - 11:00 pm - [0913] Quest of the Delta Knights
04/11/99 - 11:00 pm - [1001] Soultaker
04/17/99 - 11:00 am - [1001] Soultaker
04/18/99 - 11:00 pm - [1002] Girl in Gold Boots
04/24/99 - 11:00 am - [1002] Girl in Gold Boots
04/25/99 - 11:00 pm - [1004] Future War
Europe and Africa
{All times are Greenwich and very tentative}
06/04/99 - 24.00 - [807] Terror from the Year 5000
07/04/99 - 14.00 - [807] Terror from the Year 5000
13/04/99 - 24.00 - [808] She Creature
14/04/99 - 14.00 - [808] She Creature
20/04/99 - 24.00 - [809] I Was a Teenage Werewolf
21/04/99 - 14.00 - [809] I Was a Teenage Werewolf
27/04/99 - 24.00 - [812] Incredibly Strange Creatures
28/04/99 - 14.00 - [812] Incredibly Strange Creatures
Classifieds 3000
GypsyJr512@aol.com writes: "NAME: MST-O-Rama:Gypsy Jr's MST Website.
URL: http://members.aol.com/gypsyjr512/mst_o_rm.htm. DESCRIPTION: A tiny,
miniscule, yet growing MST site. We currently have MST fanfiction, links and
info for your perusal. Coming soon: The Many Lives of Crow T. Robot (featuring
the Bill Corbett Approval Club), The Obscure Cable TV Show Hosts page
(featuring info on Joel and Mike, as well as Talk Soup host John Henson), and
Mystery Red Dwarf 3000, the web's first interactive crossover MSTing/fan
fiction. Come on in and check it out, and remember to sign the guestbook!"
hamdingr@theworks.com writes: "We're going to be changing ISPs soon, so I'm
probably going to move AADGKA Links to another server. Which means that
everyone will need to update the links as soon as I find out what the new
address is. Speak of the devil, I know AADGKA Links hasn't been updated
lately. I wish I had some legitimate excuse. I'm just a slacker. I know, I
know. Wanted: a reviewer for AADGKA Links, just to help me out as I rigorously
update the site in recent weeks. Please contact me at hamdingr@theworks.com."
Disclaimers
All material written by club members in this publication does not necessarily
reflect the views or opinions of the staff of MSTies Anonymous. Endorsement of
above publicized activities not operated by MSTies Anonymous should not be
implied. Published material is subject to editing only for spelling, grammar,
clarity, and formatting; other changes are not made without express written
consent of the author.
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1999
Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights
held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees.
"Gizmonics" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson.
This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so
please do not sue us.
© MCMXCIX MSTies Anonymous
The Poobah mstanon@msties.com
Jet Jaguar kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu
Zen Psycho zenpsycho@yahoo.com
"I don't go to the John without a work order!"