| SOL Post 42 | 12/15/99 |
| SOL Post 41 | 11/25/99 |
| SOL Post 40 | 11/15/99 |
S.O.L. POST
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Volume 41
www.msties.com
Turkey Day 1999
Formerly The MSTies Anonymous Newsletter: News for the Obscure Convergence
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NATIONAL TURKEY PARDONED!
In This Issue
From the Poobah
"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by s364128@pop.urgrgcc.edu
"The Saddest Turkey Day Ever" by weird_1@usa.net
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
Members' Turkey Day Plans
Classifieds 3000
Disclaimers
From the Poobah
Happy Turkey Day! As is often the case, we MSTies once again take it upon
ourselves to grab a big pile of tapes from our libraries, lug them over to the
VCR, and plop down in front of the TV and not move for a full 24 hours. Sure,
we may get up once in a while to... you know... go... or to maybe stop
avoiding the family and actually eat stuffing or potatoes with them. Then
swipe a few slices of both dunkel und hell Truthahn on a big ol' plate,
returning once again to the TV to continue the marathon. To make up for lost
time, we dutifully fast-forward through the commercials if we were too lazy to
edit them out in the first place. But such are the methods of our annual
ritual, the one excuse we have to take our "cult" holiday to commune with
God's gift to television.
Oh, and Donkey Kong 64 is out. Good stuff.
"MSTable Movies" by RMichel424@aol.com
Infra-Man (1975)
This is by far one of the most bizarre movies I have reviewed to date and
it comes from Japan. Maltin gave it three stars and describes it is "Action-
packed, with gloriously corny dialogue (dubbed), outlandish costumes and sets,
adequate special effects. Great fun." Great fun to MST is what I think he
would have added. This Japanese monster movie makes Godzilla and Gamera movies
seem like masterpieces. The creatures in any given Power Rangers episode look
more realistic and scarier than these. At one point, I could see a flap
obviously covering the zipper. This movie is next to impossible to follow
because it seems jump from scene to scene every 30 seconds. I'll try and sum
it up as best as I can.
First we se a van full of kids singing then a dumb rubber monster scrapes
the roof and lands in the middle of the road and disappears. Suddenly an
earthquake strikes. Then it cuts to a city in flames. After about thirty
seconds of that we jump again to the main story. Professor arrives at a
research lab full of security guard/military-ish guys wearing suit right out
of Fugitive Alien. While they are trying to figure out what happened they
receive a message from the villain, Queen Dragon Mom. That's the name
seriously. She demands that the people of Earth surrender to her. the
Professor turns Ruhmer into Infra-Man, who looks like a cross between Ultraman
and Masked Rider with an oversized helmet, while a monster attacks the base.
The individuals inside try and fight the monster while wearing the leftover
Fugitive Alien costumes. Infra-Man destroys the monster, but one was captured
by another monster earlier. He is brainwashed and later steals something from
the base. One of the brainwashed man's friends sees him and chases after him.
He ends up running into a monster and the typical generic underlings and
attempts to fight them off. Soon Ruhmer and more of the Fugitive Alien suited
guys show up. Ruhmer turns into Infra-Man and fights the monster. By this time
the brainwashed man is gone and Infra-Man ends up fighting two monsters. He
defeats one and the second one grows to 50 feet tall. Infra-Man does the same,
even though he was never told he could do so, let alone how. He defeats the
monster and it is reduced to normal height and Infra-Man steps on him like he
would a bug. Soon brainwashed guy and a monster try to blow up the base by
drilling into an underground transformers station (the power conductors, not
the robots). They set up the fakest looking bundle of dynamite I have ever
seen in a film. They are interrupted by two of the professor's kids. Infra-man
saves the day just in time. Soon the Professor and his eldest daughter are
kidnapped and boated to the island the bad guys inhabit. How they came to own
a large powerboat I don't know. They meet with Queen Dragon Mom that threatens
to kill his daughter if he doesn't call for surrender. He refuses to
surrender. Yet Queen Dragon Mom doesn't even begin to follow through in her
threats. Yet she does makes more. Infra-Man and more of the Fugitive Alien
guys show up and begin a giant battle royale. It is the most confusing thin I
have ever seen in any Japanese film. Infra-Man fights the remaining monsters
before battling Queen Dragon Mom in her monster state. In her monster form she
looks a bit like a lizard-y Gaos. Infra-Man continues to shoot her head of
even though it keeps re-growing. After 7-8 time of this he finally shoots her
in the chest and she dies. Infra-Man, the Professor, his daughter, and the
Fugitive Alien guys ride the boat back to the mainland. The End.
Possible stinger: Pick a scene. ANY scene. Preferably one with
the monsters.
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by s364128@pop.urgrgcc.edu
Well, it's that time of year again when we stuff our faces with turkey and
wait for our stomachs to explode. Sure, we MSTies don't have much to be
thankful for, but we do have some things. I'm not only talking about the MST3K
Chain Reaction taking place in December, but lots of other things, too. So
here are some things you can be thankful for. (Take note that many of these
are meant sarcastically.)
Rhino is releasing more MST3K episodes.
Turkey Volume Guessing Man!
Joel and Trace are going be on Freaks and Geeks.
The Earth is revolving around the Sun.
You discovered MST3K.
A number of innocent turkeys are going be killed just for you.
MST3K is still being shown.
You're ready for some football!
MSTies Anonymous.
You can put off that diet because it's a holiday.
Shopping, shopping, and more shopping!
Old Turkey Day marathons you taped.
You are not "Eraserhead".
Mike is writing a book.
Someone will fart during dinner, but it will be the dog and not you.
Joel dropped that stalking restraint against you. (Now you can go through his
trash again!)
This might be the year when one of those huge balloons comes crashing down.
Cleaning up is not just a girl’s job!
There is no such thing as mad turkey disease.
Every one of your relatives will leave when they're supposed to because last
year you played 424 Manos: the Hands of Fate when they didn’t want to see it.
CHESSES!!!
And much, much more. Think up some of your own, won't you?
"The Saddest Turkey Day Ever" by weird_1@usa.net
November used to be my favorite month, the month when every self-respecting
MST3K fan got a feast. This banquet didn't include any of the more traditional
menu items. It never was available at the all-you-can-eat place. It was
however catered. First this annual bounty was furnished via Comedy Central,
and then later, the Sci-Fi Channel tried to match the tasty arrangement of
cheese with a spread of its own.
This year the Thanksgiving feast is but a cold turkey sandwich, a Coke, and
some tasty french fries. The chef has moved on to another location and the
wait staff are all looking for the next big opening, to earn tips.
Sure, I can put in tapes and watch MST3K all day, talk back till my voice
is raw; the spirit of the feast has been lost. The Thanksgiving cheese fest
was best shared with my fellow lovers of the show. The camaraderie of the
thousands of Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans, and the sharing of the pain
inflected on us by the evil experiments join us all in a way we will
never forget.
So, as you put in your tapes, invite a group of fans (or if you are like
me, a rookie is even better) and have a group pain reliever in a healthy dose
of steaming hot, cheese.
This should become a new tradition of all lovers of, and supporters for
MST3K. Perhaps if we find enough new fans, the show will find its way back
into the homes of waiting MSTies... Well, I can dream, can't I?
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
In 1999, one rather verbose and eloquent writer disappeared in the woods
near Hopkins, Minnesota while preparing a Thanksgiving column.
One hour later, his article was found.
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" presents: The Turkey Sandwich Project
I admit it all now. It's all my fault. It was my project after all. No one
else's. They tried to tell me I was crazy. They laughed and called me silly
face. They undermined my authority and over-starched my boxer shorts. They
rolled in the aisles and screamed 'focus'. And every step of the way, every
cold, boring, jittery and over hyped step of the way, I called all the shots.
Because it was my project. And now it is almost over.
As I stand here with my face to the corner, waiting for whatever awaits me
to wait for it, I am stricken by the absolute blatant retardation of my idea.
You see, I had heard a great deal about it. Myths and rumors. Urban legends
and stories on TRL with Carson Daly. For a time, it seemed like there was one
every year. One glorious and overwhelming 24-hour period when one could feel
certain in the assertion that, when they hit the remote, there was actually
something on TV. Something wonderful.
I ran into an old woman with rotting teeth and bad B.O., hair covering the
lower two-thirds of her arms, but stopping at her wrists for a very chic, Coco
Chanel look, and she described the time she first saw it; image flickering,
colors muted by a poor red to green to blue ratio, yet visible. Beaming into
her trailer and transporting her to another time. The not-too-distant future.
Next Sunday, A.D., to be exact. Another place. Deep within the bowels of the
Gizmonics complex, the 13th floor. With a catchy theme and a series of jump
cuts, she was whisked away into outer space. But no anal probe awaited her.
Instead, she met the crew of the SOL, the Satellite of Love. And there, she
met her destiny. Or maybe it was just her density. It surely wasn't her
dentist. P.U.!
Their names are legend in these parts. Joel, Mike, Tom, Crow and Gypsy.
They were the very fabric of the village of Hopkins, the very makeup of the
small town known as Best Brains, Inc. Folks traveled from miles around just to
catch a fleeting glimpse of them, to tour their home and discover their rare
gift. The gift of laughter. As the rotten old apple head had made very clear,
they usually manifested in November, around the day when turkey, cranberries
and sweet potatoes oozed from behind the shadows of Velveeta and Dinty Moore
Single Serving Beef Stew and took their rightful place among the God-given
grub. And I went to reclaim them.
I passed dairy after liquor store after whole fat sausage plant as I made
my way towards Hopkins. I stopped at a local Stop-N-Pop to fill my belly and
skim my kidneys and was met by an older man who seemed to be more expositional
than your normal brat eating butthead. He told me about the golden years, when
David Bowie sang about sex with aliens and looked really fetching in a feather
boa and red sequined g-string. As the police kindly cattle prodded him on his
way, a deputy explained something he had heard about once. It was something
called Turkey Day. He did not know much more, but he did wonder aloud if Mr.
Ziggy Stardust waxed or tweezed. I did not wait for the answer.
Still more people knew of this so-called Turkey Day. A young mother with a
even younger baby told some infantile story about how cable channels showed
these things called marathons and that a show called 'Mystery Science Theater
3000' used to participate in these day long episode pageants. At that point,
the baby thrust its tiny fist with its unclipped fingernails into the mother's
cornea and the interview was over. The Mayor of Hopkins came out to address my
queries, but when he found out that 'query' meant question, he seemed to lose
all interest. By the time I reached the woods, I felt no closer to my goal.
As I started into the dense forest, I ran into a couple of fisherman. At
least, they claimed to be fisherman, which would explain the leather waders
and long bamboo poles. The nipple rings threw me, however. Still, after a
rousing chorus of "Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat" from 'Guys and Dolls' (or
as they called it, 'Fish and Fairies') they filled me in. With information, I
mean. They told me that Comedy Central had made a tradition of showing several
episodes of MST3K over the traditional Thanksgiving holiday season. They would
spend money on promos and just gussy the whole shebang up to the hilt. Then,
when the show moved to Sci-Fi, there was an attempt at marathoning, but it was
more of a 5K than a Boston foot burner. By 1999, Turkey Day had vanished. We
exchanged pager numbers, and in a flash I was into the woods, just as they
were coming out.
The first day, I got lost. The second day was better, though. I got just a
little lost. The third and fourth day found me lost, and even more lost, and
by the fifth day, I was still lost. Man, was I lost. Peter Pan's boys wish
they were as lost as I was. Ray Milland's Weekend was not as lost as I was.
Jurassic Park 2's world was not as lost as I was. I take that back. It was. So
I decided to do what any good, intelligent camper would do. I wet my pants,
screamed and cried, yelled thousands of obscenities at myself and kicked my
map into the river. And this was just during the day.
Nights were horrible. No potable food. No potable water. No potable toilet.
Dreams of field hockey masks and gumball machines filled my uneasy slumber.
All the while, I would hear the hideous bray of evil laughter, cackles with a
vocal tone similar to co-directors camped out just a few feet away with boom
boxes, Slim Jims and 12 packs of Schlitz Malt Liquor. All the while, I focused
on my goal. I visualized my endgame. I contemplated the se- or prequel. And
then I heard it. Off in the distance, like an insidious siren song. It called
to me. It grabbed me by the short hairs and exacted its revenge. I tried
Nyquil, Coldeaze and Q-tips, but I could still hear it in my brain. Calling
me. Compelling me. Moving me closer to 1500 words.
"DICKWEED!"
I ran from my tent, clothes and shame bundled up around my belly, and took
off like a scorned bi-sexual on the 'Jerry Springer Show'. I ran like the
Dickens, or maybe it was more like the Melville. Definitely not like the
Hawthorne. I seemed to run forever. Then I got lost. Then I ran some more and
found out that I was even more lost. At last, when all hope seemed... oh, you
know... that word... you know the one... it means 'missing or absent'... oh
come on... it's right on the tip of my tongue... Anyway, when all hope seemed
vanquished, I found a building.
It was an old studio, where it seemed TV shows had been filmed. From the
look of it, the last series to use it was Hardcastle and McCormick. There were
strange etchings on the wall. I moved in for a closer look. All over the walls
was this image...
It was awful. I tried to look away, but I could not. These ancient ruins,
like the stone castings on Easter Island or the rock cities of Rock City
chilled me to my very marrow. Who had put them here? What did they symbolize?
Was me-sa gonna die? I was transfixed. Then I heard the voice again.
"Dickweed!"
I ran to the attic. Nothing but mold and mildew. I ran to the basement. I
saw something. I wasn't quite sure what it was, exactly. I tried to obtain a
sharper image but, like so much of my journey, it was dim and hazy. I felt a
cold presence, or a cold compress. Then in two quick seconds I was hit on the
head and stood in the corner. And now here I am. Waiting. Wondering. Wetting.
My only hope is that someone will find me. That they will rescue me. I curse
the day I ever went looking for the MST3K Turkey Day marathon. After all, I
have all the tapes at home (EXCEPT 815 AGENT FOR H.A.R.M.!!!) and I know
something tasty is basting in the oven.
Honey, I love you. I am sorry. I am so sorry.
Turkey, I miss you. You are so succulent and tasty. So very tasty.
Something's coming...
I feel its metal claws...
I hear its Garfield Goose like jaws snapping...
I hear its sarcastic voice...
"Dickweed..."
I hear...
Members' Turkey Day Plans
Hquiej@aol.com: "Turkey Day '95 was the first time I saw MST3K. And the first
full episode I ever saw was episode 512 Mitchell. So, I'll begin my at-home
Turkey Day marathon with that particular episode. From there on, the rest of
the marathon will be a free-for-all, with no order to which episode comes
next. Below, you will see a list of episodes (this is the only time it will
seem orderly) I plan to play..."
310 Fugitive Alien
412 Hercules and the Captive Women
504 Secret Agent Super Dragon
512 Mitchell
521 Santa Claus
604 Zombie Nightmare
703 Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell
705 Escape 2000
810 Giant Spider Invasion
813 Jack Frost
912 Screaming Skull
1003 Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders
"When the marathon is all said and done, it will close with a viewing of
'Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie' featuring the film 'This Island
Earth'. Now this is some marathon, eh? You don't think so? Well... I still
like it. So nyah. Anyway... my marathon, ladies and gentlemen."
mstanon@msties.com: "As the de-facto standard this year, I'll be watching
Season 10 in its entirety for my Turkey Day marathon. Yes, from the return of
the Gizmocrat and the Second Banana to the final descent to Earth, I'll be
reliving it all again. So, as you can probably guess, here is my Turkey Day
tape list..."
1001 Soultaker
1002 Girl in Gold Boots
1003 Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders
1004 Future War
1005 Blood Waters of Dr. Z
1006 Boggy Creek II
1007 Track of the Moon Beast
1008 Final Justice
1009 Hamlet
1010 It Lives By Night
1011 Horrors of Spider Island
1012 Squirm
1013 Diabolik
Classifieds 3000
[This space for rent. Free.]
Disclaimers
All material written by club members in this publication does not necessarily
reflect the views or opinions of the staff of MSTies Anonymous. Endorsement of
above publicized activities not operated by MSTies Anonymous should not be
implied. Published material is subject to editing only for spelling, grammar,
clarity, and formatting; other changes are not made without express written
consent of the author.
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1999
Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights
held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees.
"Gizmonics" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson.
This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so
please do not sue us.
© MCMXCIX MSTies Anonymous
The Poobah mstanon@msties.com
Jet Jaguar kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu
Zen Psycho zenpsycho@yahoo.com
"Do the wounded turkey!"