| SOL Post 52 | 10/15/00 |
| SOL Post 51 | 09/15/00 |
| SOL Post 50 | 08/15/00 |
S.O.L. POST
==========================================================================
Volume 51
http://www.msties.com/
September 2000
Formerly The MSTies Anonymous Newsletter: News for the Obscure Convergence
==========================================================================
1003 TO AIR AGAIN IN DECEMBER!
In This Issue
From the Poobah
"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" by ViKiNgFB05@aol.com
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by Kismetgirl88@hotmail.com
"Random Commentary from a 'Bot" by rockerbot27@yahoo.com
"Wonderful Wal-Mart Movie Aisle!" by captainbeefatron@hotmail.com
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
October MST3K Schedule on SFC
Classifieds 3000
Disclaimers
From the Poobah
Yes, the SOL Post has survived the half-century mark and crossed over to
the second half. Here's to 100 issues!
"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" by ViKiNgFB05@aol.com
>"Letherface's Final Slice"
Servo: Of pepperoni pizza.
>by: Alex
Mike: Alex Trebeck?
Crow: Alex Baldwin?
>Once in the August of the mid 1970's, a few kids went on an afternoon
>drive, unknowest to them, there was a strange mass murder going on. The 5
>kids found out for themselves, not only that, they found out who the killer
>was... All but one of the kids were killed. She later had a child. That
>child was curious of her mother's past times and went to Texas, only
>knowing that a dreadful action took place......
Mike: Try saying that in one breath...
Crow: Okay...
Mike: I was being sarcastic, Crow...
Crow: Oh, sorry.
>July 9th, 2000
>
>Fade in-
>An outside shot of a van.
Crow: If this van's a rocking, don't come a knocking.
>Cut to: inside of the van. A young girl named Megan is driving to Texas
>with three other friends.
>
>James-
>So Megan what happened to you're mom in Texas?
Servo: And over to Megan for the response... And now... Megan.
>Megan-
>James...... What do you think this trip is for?
Crow: Hey, she didn't answer his question!
>Tim-
>I herd that there was a guy who kept his mother's corps in his fruit
>cellar!!
>
>Jamie-
> Tim, that was Psycho ya dip-sh*t!
>
>Tim-
>Shut up Jamie!
Crow: You just know they're hiding feelings for each other.
Servo: Amen to that.
>James-
>No, actually I think there was a man who ran an old hotel, and kept his
>mother in his fruit cellar.
Mike: Yeah, Norman Bates.
>Jamie-
>(talking to Megan
>They both have movie freaked minds!
>
>Megan-
>Heh...
>
>Cut to: a sign that says: Franklin Texas City Limits.
Mike: Franklin, Texas: a place where children can play.
>Tim-
>Now here's something I know is true... this town was named after a disabled
>kid who got killed.
>
>Jamie-
>I'll be damned! He herd something that was true!
>
>James-
>That was true?!?!?
Servo: Liberace was gay?!
>Megan-
>Yup! I herd about it too. My uncle's name was Franklin. (to herself I
>wonder......... Damn! We're out of gas.
Mike: She has an attention span of about 5 seconds.
>Tim-
>Hey, I saw an old gas station a little way's back.
Crow (as Tim): And look, a little baby gas station, and a middle aged one
right next to it.
>Megan-
>Looks' like we're goin.
Mike: Where?
>Jamie-
>What?!?! Don't we have enough gas to drive there?
>
>Megan-
>Jamie, we don't have ant gas at all!!
Servo: Now what exactly is ant gas?
Mike: I think she meant to say "any" gas.
>Jamie-
>Man!
Mike: I feel like a woman!
>Cut to: James, Megan & Jamie outside the van, pushing it toward the gas
>station.
[Mike and the 'Bots make huffing and puffing noises.]
>Cut to: open shot of the gas station from the first Texas Chainsaw
>Massacre. Then the van comes rolling from off screen. They push it up to
>one of the pumps. Megan goes to pump the gas.
>
>Megan-
>Tim!
>
>Tim-
>Yeah?
>
>Megan-
>Go see if they have any munchees.
Mike: Munchees? What is she, a surfer?
>Tim-
>Okay.
>
>Tim walks into the station.
>
>Cut to: Tim walking down one of the few isles looking for some chips of
>something. He picks up a few candy bars and goes to the counter. (camera
>follows there is and old man working. He is probably in his mid 40's or
>50's. Tim pays for the things.
>
>Tim-
>This and the gas.
Crow: He's gonna fart in the store!
Mike: I think he meant the gas for the car, Crow.
>The man gives the stuff to him in a bag. Tim begins to walk out but then
>turns back around to the man.
>
>Tim-
>Oh, and one other thing. Do you know where my friends and I can crash for
>the night?
Servo (as old man): Well sonny, you could crash by my pad if ya like.
>Man-
>Uhhhhh, well, there is an old abandoned house a couple miles up the road,
>yawl could sleep there. It's not owned by anyone.
>
>Tim-
>Cool, thanks!
>
>Tim walks out and then the camera pulls back to the man.
>
>Man-
>Dumb tourists'!
Mike: Them Frenchies is all alike.
>Cut to: inside the van, Megan pulls out of the gas station and gets back on
>the road. Tim gives everybody a candy bar.
>
>Tim-
>Hey, that man said that there was an old house up this way... we could
>sleep there.
>
>Megan-
>I thought we could get a hotel room.
Crow (as Megan): But I guess I was wrong.
>Tim-
>Nah, this is like one of those secluded towns in one of those old horror
>movies. Our best bet is that house.
>
>Megan-
>Okay.
>
>Cut to: outside shot of the van, it pulls into the driveway of the old
>house. All four of the kids get out of the car and examine the eerie house.
>
>James-
>Okay Tim... you've taken us to the last house on the left haven't you!
Crow: I wish this author would stop with the horror movie references.
Mike: We all do Crow, we all do.
>Jamie-
>Shut up James!
>
>Cut to: inside of house. All of the kids are in the old nursery.
>
>Megan-
>This place reminds me of something... I just cant figure it out!
Mike: The house? Amityville Horror? Poltergeist? House on Haunted Hill?
Crow: Impressive.
>James-
>What's with all the animals on the wall paper?
>
>Megan-
>It was a nursery.
Crow: An erotic nursery.
Mike: Crow!
>Tim-
>How do you know?
>
>Megan-
>I don't know... I just don't know...
Mike (as Megan): I'm so confused.
>Jamie-
>Hey what's this?
Servo (as Jamie): A Weird Al CD? Cool.
>The other three kids go to see what Jamie was looking at... It was a very
>old wheel chair in pieces... Franklin's wheel chair.
>
>Tim-
>It's a wheel chair.
Mike, Crow and Servo: Noo...
>Jamie-
>Why would a wheel chair be here?
>
>Megan-
>I think I know...
Mike (as Megan): A guy with a wheelchair lives here!
>Jamie-
>Okaayyy... Why?
>
>Megan-
>I'll tell you later.
Crow: She really doesn't know, she's just saying that to have people pay
attention to her.
>We can tell that Megan is realizing what happened... kind of...
>
>Cut to: James & Tim. They are sitting in the side door of the van outside.
>It is the late afternoon.
>
>Tim-
>What do ya say we go exploring?
>
>
>James-
>I don't know... Megan is acting real strange.
Crow (as Tim): That's cause she's a loony.
>Tim-
>Yeah, you're right... you should stay with her... after all, you are her
>boyfriend!
Servo (as James): I am?
>James-
>I'm gonna go talk to her.
>
>Tim-
>Okay, see ya, I'm gonna check this place out.
>
>Cut to: Megan looking around the house. Then James comes up to her.
>
>Megan-
>Hi James.
>
>James-
>Hey...
Servo (as James): You sexy thing, you.
>Megan-
>I think I know what happened.
>
>James-
>What?
Mike (as Megan): We're in a really crappy horror movie.
>Megan-
>Ya know how this town is named after that kid who died... Well... That kid
>was my uncle... And I think I've yet to find out it all.
>
>James-
>Okay.
Crow (as James): So you wanna make out or something?
>Megan-
>Do you know much about Texas history?
>
>James-
>Well, there was a mass murder sometime in the 70's... I'm surprised it
>wasn't mentioned in that movie "The 70's"!
Mike: I'd do a rim shot, but I don't want to offend the originator of it.
>Megan-
>Heh.
>
>Cut to: Tim walking through a field. Then Jamie pops up behind him and
>scares the crap out of him.
>
>Jamie-
>Hey Tim!
>
>Tim-
>What did you do that for???
Mike: 'Cause she's the jokester of the group.
>Jamie-
>What?... You know what happened too?
>
>Tim-
>Huh?
>
>Jamie-
>Geeze! Am I the only one who knows about it???... Okay, there was a family
>who was wacked out!!! So they had killed tons of people! But there was
>something unique about one of them, he had leather stitched on his face!
>And he always killed people with a chainsaw!
Servo: Ergo, his name was... Leatherface.
>Tim-
>Wow! I thought that was in some old movie!
>
>Jamie-
>Oh, and I think that's what happened to Megan's mom. I think that her
>friends were killed!
>
>They come up on the house where Leatherface lives. Jamie is stopped in her
>tracks as she looks at the house and knows who's it is. Tim keeps walking
>toward it and Jamie holds him back.
>
>Tim-
>What are you doin?!?!
Crow (as Jamie): Holding you back.
>Jamie-
>Do know what that is???
Servo: A house.
>Tim-
>Yeah a house
Servo: At least he caught on to the idiocy of her question.
>Jamie-
>Not just a house, the Leatherface house!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike: Cue the ominous music.
>Tim-
>How do you know so much?
>
>Jamie-
>I herd it on A&E!
Mike, Crow and Servo: A&E!
Servo: What kind of idiotic answer is that?
>Tim-
>Suurre!
>
>Tim walks to the house. Then Jamie runs to Megan and James.
Mike: And?
>Cut to: inside the Leatherface house. Tim is looking around. Then he
>notices a strange looking door. It is aluminum. And looks like it slides
>open and out. Then it slides open with Leatherface in the other side with
>hi trusty old chainsaw. Leatherface runs to Tim and cuts him in halve, as
>Tim screams in pain.
Mike, Crow and Servo: What?!
Mike: Geez, Leatherface didn't waste any time.
Crow: The author didn't even bother to have Leatherface in the script earlier!
>Cut to: Megan and James.
>
>Megan-
>I know what happened... this guy killed a hole bunch of people including
>Franklin.
Crow and Servo: Franklin?
Mike: Franklin was the wheel chair guy in the original TCM.
Crow and Servo: Fan boy, fan boy!
Mike: Hey! I'm just telling ya what I know.
>James-
>Yeah!!! I read that this guy killed a bunch off teens too!!!!!!!!! But one
>girl survived!
>
>Megan-
>My mom... that's what happened.
>
>Suddenly Jamie runs up to the couple (scaring the crap out of them
>
>Jamie-
>Tim went to the Leatherface house and I don't know what's gonna happen to
>him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>James-
>It's probably another abandoned house.
Servo (as James): With a psycho murderer in it.
>Megan-
>Who's Leatherface?
>
>Jamie-
>It's this killer, and I don't know if he's alive or dead!!!!!!
>
>James-
>Just chill ou-
>
>Suddenly the blade of a chainsaw plunges through James' chest.
Mike, Crow and Servo: Huh?
>The other two girls scream as Leatherface runs to them. Jamie gets away but
>sadly Megan gets sliced up and then falls to the ground, but that isn't
>enough for Leatherface. So, he keeps slicing her up.
Crow: Talk about overkill!
>Cut to: outside, Jamie is looking through the van, then she comes out with
>a red tank of gas. It looks like it carries about five gallons of gas.
>
>Jamie-
>Why didn't we just use this?
Mike: So... if she was smart enough to see that the gas was there, then her
friends would still be alive. Good job, Jamie.
>We can heir Leatherface's chainsaw rumbling as Leatherface comes downstairs
>looking for Jamie. As this is happening Jamie is pouring the gas all over
>the base of the house. When it is empty she drops the tank and pulls out a
>zippo lighter, lights is and sets the house on fire.
>
>Cut to: Leatherface looking for Jamie. He smells the smoke and begins to
>scream.
Crow: Like a 6-year-old girl!
>Cut to: back outside. Jamie gets in the van.
>
>Cut to: inside van. She looks at the ignition and the keys are there.
>
>Jamie-
>Yesss!!!!
Mike: I bet you 5 bucks it won't start.
>Cut to: outside shot of the van, she flies out of the driveway and zooms
>down the road.
Servo: You owe us 5 bucks, Mike!
Mike: Damn.
>Cut to: tight shot of house. The entire thing is engulfed in flames.
>
>Cut to: inside the burning building. Leatherface is frantically trying to
>find a way out... He is trapped.
>
>Cut to: the highway. Jamie is flying down the road. At least 100 or 150
>miles an hour.
Mike, Crow and Servo: Born to be wild!
>Cut to: a nice looking house. The van pulls up to it. Jamie gets out. And
>runs in.
>
>Cut to: inside of the house.
>
>Jamie-
>Ms. Sally?......... Ms. Sally?
Mike: Ms. Sally Jesse Raphael.
>Suddenly Sally walks up to her.
Mike: What the...?
Servo: So the survivor of the first one doesn't appear until the end?
>Sally-
>What is it Jamie?
>
>Jamie-
>Why the f*ck didn't you just tell Megan about what
>happened!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
>
>Sally-
>What?
>
>Jamie-
>About Texas...
>
>Sally-
>What!?!?!
>
>Jamie-
>We went to Franklin Texas, and Leatherface killed everyone!!!!
>
>Sally-
>What?!?!?!
>
>Jamie-
>Megan, James & Tim are all dead!!!!!!!!!
Mike, Crow and Servo: What?!
>Sally-
>What happened to Leatherface?!?!?!?!?
Crow (as Jamie): He got married and had 5 kids.
>Jamie-
>I trapped him in that old house and I burned it down!
>
>Sally-
>What the hell were yawl thinking... going out to Texas without telling
>me... or anyone else for that matter!!!!
>
>Jamie-
>It's you're fault!!! If you'd only told her, none of this would have
>happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crow: Well excuse her... she just came into this story.
>Sally-
>Well, at least Leatherface is finally dead.
Mike: Yeah, right.
>Cut to: the burning house... for one last look, to know that Leatherface is
>dead.
>
>Fade out-
>Roll end credits.
>
>The End
Servo: What kind of a story was that?
Crow: Yeah... the killer came in and left too quickly.
Servo: Mike, remind me never to go to Texas.
Mike: You got it, pal.
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by Kismetgirl88@hotmail.com
Okay, I know MST3K is just a show, but one thing that always bothered me is
that no one seemed to stumble on Deep 13 very often. Sure, there were a couple
visitors, but I always expected more. Also, why didn't anyone notice that Joel
or Mike had disappeared or that Dr. F was ordering lots of bad movies? Sure,
he was in basement, but you would expect someone to notice, right? Wrong. I
have just learned that things like that often go unnoticed in a big company.
Let me explain the library assistant job I just got at a big company. (I
don't want say which company because I don't want to get fired. Lest me just
say they make lots of household objects and will be called Company X for now.)
When I first walked in and was handed my security badge, I thought of Gizmonic
Institute. It was a big place where who knows what is going on. (Not say this
place is committing any illegal stuff, but it would make one wonder with the
security cameras and badges, etc.) So I ask how well do you know the company
you work for and what happens there? How do you know that somewhere there
isn't a mad scientist keeping a man in trapped space? Now that I've made you
paranoid, let me go on to explain how this could slip past you. (Mainly I'll
be using examples of how unobservant I am.)
Point 1: At work, you usually have to work. If you work in a big company
like I do at Company X, you have lots to do and are usually confided into one
space and area. I don't wander or explore because well, I don't have time,
don't want to get fired, and could get lost. Heck, Company X is more confusing
than the Henry VIII Hotel, so mainly I go to places I'm familiar with. Plus,
it's so big that I doubt I could explore it all in one day or in couple hours
without being found. Mainly there could be a Deep 13 right under my feet and I
wouldn't know it because I take the same route to and from work.
Point 2: Work is mundane and mind numbing. At my job, I copy lots of
articles and stuff. I don't always read the stuff that crosses my desk, and I
doubt most people read everything at work. Mainly because the stuff I have to
copy is boring, I can't understand it (because they use a lot of chemistry
terms), and I don't know in what context they report this information. For
example, an article on cancer testing might be interesting, but some stuff
about feeding Mole People could easy slip by me without me even seeing it.
Point 3: When work is over, you get out fast! I don't stick around after
it's quitting time unless there is some important work to do, so I usually get
out. This is done mainly so I can beat rush hour and get home quicker. I don't
want stick around Company X and explore it in my free time. Usually I'm so
tired from work that I just want to get home and sit down. Dr. F could be
running movies after I leave and I wouldn't know. (Hmm, maybe one day I will
work late.)
Point 4: You travel in packs at work and don't notice anyone outside your
pack. I don't know if this true at other places, but I've noticed at Company X
that groups who work together travel in packs like wolves. Not many separate
from their groups to sit with another group at lunch, and not many notice the
people in the other groups. People come and go and I just assume they work
here or are new. TV's Frank could be sitting at another table during lunch and
I wouldn't notice or sit with him because I would look for my group or people
I work with and sit with them. (Note to self: notice other people at lunch.)
Point 5: Security is severe. I don't know about your work place, but
Company X has video cameras watching you and security badges that let you into
the building. The badges also let people know you work there. But we all see
these authority personnel or employees-only doors and wonder what is behind
there. They probably want us to keep out for our own safety, but how do we
know there isn't some cool lab or a Deep 13?
Okay, now that I've shown what an idiot I am, I want say this: there
probably is no chance whatsoever that the company you work for is doing
anything illegal, let alone has a man in space. There are watchdogs that
observe big companies from doing bad things. And just because I'm innate and
don't observe stuff doesn't mean that others are unobservant. Now I don't want
anyone getting fired because they went off exploring the places that they were
told keep out of because of my column. There is probably nothing really
interesting behind that one secure door and no Deep 13 behind it. If you do go
exploring, you'll only find more boring stuff than your workplace. But if you
do take any of my suggestions and in so doing find something wrong going on in
your company, tell the proper authority and tell me when get your own TV
movie. Again, there is probably no chance that there's anything interesting or
exiting going on at any company. But the thought of having some evil scientist
performing experiments on some guy in space does make work little bit more
exciting and less mind numbing. Heck, it does in my case.
"Random Commentary from a 'Bot" by rockerbot27@yahoo.com
I can't believe it's been more than a year since MST3K has bit the dust. My
heroes were up there, and although I'm glad they're finally home, I'm sad they
won't be there to riff those bad movies. I'm fairly new to the site, and this
the only way I get to meet other MSTies. During the day I get a lot of free
time (I'm a security camera, I work the night shift. And no, I am not related
to Cambot) which, ever since the store I work for got a compatible port for
me, (I don't have any arms, either) I've spent on the Internet. Yes, I'm a
junkie. I love cults, which is something I just realized. I didn't know
whether or not "Cats Don't Dance" was a cult movie or not, but it is.
Actually, there's quite a great similarity in how that movie and MST3K: The
Movie were released. Both got absolutely no advertising. I'm sure both
would've at least past the million mark if they had gotten any TV spots, and
not on CBS at twelve at night, but during shows were people were watching.
What an innovative idea! Cult hits' followings are not the fault of their own,
but often the advertisers' fault. It's a thought, anyway. I mean, they had
Natalie Cole! She is one beautiful gal, someone all in the female species can
look up to as a strong, independent lass with a great singing voice. She
probably got squat from the film. That's just wrong...
Anyhow, have any of you been to Timmybighands.com? Of course you have, just
about every MSTie has. I have to say, I'm not too amused by what they have
there. There's some good stuff... but humph. Maybe it's just because I'm a
Joel and Trace fan. I just happen to like them both more than some. No offense
to Mike and Bill, they rock, it's just the way I am. But does anybody remember
that they were supposed to be working on a new show for Sci-Fi? What happened
to that? Did it just die when MST3K died? And if I remember right, they were
also talking with CC when they were there. I would've loved to see what else
was brewing in their think tank, hey, it can't replace MST3K, but it could
supply us with that cynical, cockeyed wit. I know a lot of you didn't like TV
Wheel; I personally haven't seen it, but I'll give it a chance.
Well, that's all I feel like saying for right now. I hope you all have a
MSTie close to you, and if you don't, convert your best friend, 'cause we need
all the help we can get to start another uprising. Remember, Star Trek was
cancelled before the fans really started talking. And remember, 'Bots have
feelings too, so give yours a hug sometime. (I wish Scott would sometime...
Maybe I should strike...)
"Wonderful Wal-Mart Movie Aisle!" by captainbeefatron@hotmail.com
Yes! The movie aisle at Wal-Mart is a fine place to get bad movies of your
own! In fact, all stores similar to Wal-Mart have a large selection of cheesy
flicks. I was in Wisconsin and went to World of Variety where I only had
enough to buy one! Should it be "Blood Express"... or a Hercules movie... I
ended up buying the old Republic serial "The Adventures of Captain Marvel".
But recently, my local Wal' was renovating, and running out of room, had a
large shelf of videos for 2 bucks each! I was soon loaded up in bad martial
arts films like "Rage of the Master" and two Wang Yu movies that had two names
each, "Godzilla Vs. Megalon", Gigan, and Mechagodzilla, "Godzilla 1985", an
Ator (of "Cave Dwellers" fame) movie, and more. So search no further from the
scum of film! It can be found at your local Wal-Mart!
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
Vol. 3, Issue 2
T.V.O.(h my go)D.: Is it Me, or the TV?
It has come to the attention of "Better 'Bots and Satellites" that a nasty
trend has taken over the airwaves, a trend whose foul stench and addictive
drivel has permeated even the most lucid and logical of you all. Not that
there is anything wrong with the occasional diversionary trip into the arcane
and derivative, but there is only so much one human being can take. Didn't the
massive influx of Regis and/or Kathy Lee teach anyone anything? Too much of
any thing, be it perkiness, lame ass questions with multiple choice answers
that a 3 year old could point out while having a BM at the same time, or
Jennifer Lopez's monumental hippage, is not all together pleasant.
What is this evil we are referring to, this hideous audiovisual rectum fest
that is guaranteed to get your pulse to slow and your brain cells to die? Do
the words 'tribal council' mean anything to you? Yes, it's the influx of Euro-
peon and Aus-stank-lian reality based televisional enemas, with names like
Survivor, Big Brother and The Cindy Margolis Show. Americans, long at the
forefront of finding embarrassing ways to earn a buck or two (just look at
America's Funniest Home Videos, Rivera Live! or Backdraft) now have to take a
back seat and open up the Dutch door for the Nazi loving surrender monkeys who
have found a new way to match misery with money as only someone responsible
for the systematic 'relocation' of an entire ethnic race can create.
More heinous than those Just Kidding infomercials which feature unwashed
men ogling equally fetid women while they fake fart their way to laugh track
hilarity, these so called bona fide peep shows are supposed glances into the
human psyche. In reality (ha! ha!) all they really offer is a turd's eye view
of what dumb folk do when they are caught in the act of being impure. Starting
with that bastard step child of the music entertainment industry, MTV, with
their Real Road Rash Rules World we've come the long and binding road to the
CBS supported sputum called Big Brother, which should have taken Orwell's core
concept to its logical end and had all the horrid money hungry house guests
encased in masks filled with rabid rats. Unfortunately, all they ended up with
is an incontinent and diarrhea prone pug dog that has more personality and
ethics than the lot of them.
Sure, Survivor was the number one summer program in the history of
television, but it was also a redundant exercise in exceptionally bad personal
grooming habits. When people bring books to a deserted island, over
necessities like soap, toilet paper and toothbrushes, they deserve to have an
overweight homosexual beating them all to the prize money. After all, who
knows more about impeccable primping and dealing with pissed off women than a
man who runs his chubby child into the ground so he too could look good enough
for Blue Boy Magazine. By being so popular (all except BB, which can't seem to
buy an audience larger than the one who would sit back and watch live organ
transplants) all these programs prove that the age old standards of working
hard and maintaining a sense of personal dignity are not as important as
gauging how low you would stoop for a buck.
Never one to miss out on a popular trend, "Better 'Bots and Satellites" has
developed its own trio of reality based programs, all stemming from classic
episodes of what it truly the world's first exercise in experimental watching
of some guy. The only difference between MST3K and Survivor? Gypsy was more
feminine than all the supposed females on the island put together. So sit back
in your recliner, fire up a Tiki torch and slot out which of a number of
snacks you can nominate for banishment into the depths of your lower intestine
as its time for a 3 hour, not quite ready for prime time marathon tour of
programs from those wacky voyeuristic vagabonds over at Gizmendemol
Entertainment as Deep 13, in conjunction with George Slaughter Productions,
Mark IV and that really sweaty guy who hits the gong presents:
8:00pm - The Real Forced Labor Camp World as envisioned by episode 112 Untamed
Youth.
The basic premise of this show is really simple. Take a half dozen or so
really snotty, stuck up and totally out of touch with reality dipsticks
ranging in physical age from 18 to 25 and mental age from 4 to retardation and
place them in a homestead they could not possibly ever afford in their limited
group earning capacity and video tape everything. And then when it gets really
boring, edit it to some Dave Mathews band song and pawn it off as edgy and in
your face. Unfortunately, the only thing close to being on edge is your teeth
as you listen to one grating, whiny Gen-X waste of space after another pick at
their toe jam and complain that they can't get a date/respect/job/herpes cure.
And as for in your face? Well, if the repugnant odor doesn't get you, the
abrasive lack of fashion sense will.
All the more reason to take it to its natural conclusion and set it all on
a youth ranch, like in 112 Untamed Youth, where picking cotton is the
punishment for being cranky and all wild child teens are castigated for giving
each other some of that rock and roll music. Sure, it may be tough on the
jaded pseudo slackers and future panhandlers in the audience to accept a cast
that is forced into something as menial as physical labor, but with Mamie Van
Doren jiggling her assets around like she's got St. Vitas dance mixed with a
bad case of prickly heat, at least the guys won't mind too much. That is, if
they're not too busy staring at each other and wondering just what all this
bisexual stuff is about, really. In the end, there will be no voting out or
tribal council meetings, just a lot of good lessons learned and some
rockabilly, hootenanny shindiging for all involved.
And isn't that better than a bunch of pants and bed wetting over stimulated
and undersexed, we could sure use another Vietnam to thin out their ranks,
whippersnappers consulting the token gay for love, life and/or tolerance tips.
The teen melodramas of the 50's and 60's really had the right idea when they
portrayed young people as either being from one or the other side of the
personality tracks; evil incarnate or dumb as a bag of hammers. Sure, adults
would pick on them and coerce them into backbreaking plowing and tilling, and
come to think of it, those are the people who are now flooding the media with
their over indulged hell spawn, all wanting a piece of the pop culture
landscape. Some one should have given them their 40 acres and Gary Muledeer
and sent them on their way a long time ago.
9:00pm - Endurer as fashioned after episode 607 Bloodlust.
This was a case of a show (otherwise known as that which we would not miss
for the world Wednesday night rat feast called Survivor) that had the right
idea, but the wrong execution. There is something inherently perfect about
taking a dozen or so people who you really can't stand and forcing them to
exist on a deserted island for days on end without food, shelter or feminine
hygiene spray. Can't you see that awful boss of yours eating grubs, or your
most hated teacher having to stare at Richard's enveloping waist blubber?
Still, for everything they got right, they also got so much wrong; lame
physical challenges that would make a family on Double Dare 2000 guffaw with
self confidence, a set right out of the Land of the Lost, and a host who
seemed in desperate need of asking someone is they would like to make it a
true daily double. No, what the show really needed was an element of danger.
When the one threat you are most concerned about witnessing is the
unscrambling of some paunchy gay man's batch, you have to realize the whole
shebang needs a makeover.
Enter the hoary old cliché of man hunting man for sport, or as it has now
come to be known, Mike Brady cruises the jungle. Yep, even "Bloodlust" has its
own homosexual hero n the soon will be Mr. Florence Henderson, even though he
applies the front of a rather lame, unattractive woman who can't help but
swoon, spoon and croon whenever wonder Mike is around. Little did she know
that all he wanted her for was a sense memory for when he portrayed a man
wanting a sex change on Medical Center (something that gives type casting a
whole new definition). See, what the gang on the island that CBS filmed needed
was a swarthy hunk of euro trash with elephant feet footstools and a rapid-
fire bazooka chasing their scabby and sore-crusted behinds around the place.
Still, even with the great white hunter tracking their every step, it's
probably a good bet that events would have resolved themselves exactly the way
they did. Rudy would have applied some Old Navy bait and switch on bwanna, the
weird guy who can only moan and scream would hook up with the dude who uses a
seashell as a cell phone (take that, Gilligan's Professor) and Richard would
walk away with the millions, as well as one quite slender and lithe Reed.
There would be no stuffed humans in the basement; no rat tartar and Susan
would still refuse to give anyone a blasted sipper cup. Yet, it would be a tad
more exciting than watching a bunch of out of shape desk jockeys attempt to
build a lean-to out of driftwood and bird feces, while keeping from jumping
down each others throats or into each others' grass mat. Just don't let Mr.
Brady near the hut plans. He will build a split-level abomination with 3
bedrooms and one toilet. Colleen would have to sleep in the utility room by
the washer and dryer.
10:00pm - Big Bother as envisioned by episode 407 Killer Shrews.
Nothing can be worse than being stuck in a house with 11 other people who
you do not know, and having to share everything with them, including their
personality flaws, while the rest of America chuckles, naps and ridicules you
all over the internet. Not that you make your lot in media life any better by
strutting around with a chicken on your head, a jaw that would make Jay Leno
cringe or a burning desire to dye your hair every color of the rainbow of
revulsion. Still, things could be worse for you. Instead of obsessed fans with
bullhorns or banners proclaiming your adeptness at accidentally killing your
best friends, killer shrews could surround you.
Come to think of it, that's perfect for CBS. Since the smoldering pile know
as George Orwell's grave dancer is such a rating bomb it makes Central Park
West look like friggin' Gunsmoke that a little wildlife interference may
actually do the trick. That, or an immense amount of booze, since that is what
seems to keep the house bound imbibers of "Killer Shrews" happy. Boat won't
float. Have a highball. Psychotic land beasts are invading and panting for the
taste of human flesh. Gulp a glass of Galliano. The people you are trapped
with smell and are getting on your nerves, talking incessantly about how
famous/popular/rich they are going to be when they leave the hamster cage.
Pony up to the keg and beer blast yourself into a different reality.
An element of peril is really what is needed for a show like this to be
successful. Imagine this. They send the little dog, Brigita, Lolita, Concreta,
whatever the Hell its name is... out for a little restroom break, and it
returns, covered in bathmats and foaming at the mouth. It leaps at George's
throat and rips his goofy voice box out. Then, it hurls itself at Jaime, where
it is instantly impaled on her chin. As it writhes in agony, it sprays rabid
shrew spores into her ever-open maw and she instantly begins spitting and
hissing like a wounded wombat. She grabs the dying hellhound from her immense
chops and immediately leaps on Eddie and Josh. And the rest? Well, lets just
say that a lot of oral will be going on, but the pleasure will definitely be
missing. In the end, everyone is in a pool of blood as Teresa, George's
strumpet of a wife, bursts through the Red Room and collapses on her husband's
moldering corpse. She thrusts her fists in the air, just as the rest of her
shrewish brethren breakdown the fence and beginning a four hour feeding
frenzy. A 20 share, guaranteed.
There will be no money prizes, no sweeps period of counter programming,
just good old-fashioned carnage, with guts and glory flying high. House and
island guest alike will resolve issues like they did in the old west... with
bullets, fists and crippling cases of venereal disease. Audience interaction
will be imperative, from phone in votes for least likely to clot quickly to
online chats with forensic pathologists to question the true cause of death.
This is what reality programming should be, since it deals with the one issue
that most people know about, but never spend 42 minutes, with commercial
interruption, thinking about. The issue of mortality, about only being on this
planet for a very short time, and understanding how quickly that allotment of
existence is used up.
There are so many better things one can do with their life and their time.
They can read some of the great novels of world literature, expanding their
mind in the pursuit of the written truth. They can volunteer, taking into
consideration someone else for once in their miserable selfishness. They can
go to a museum, to see how the common man of the past left his mark on the
future. But no, instead, they will make potluck bean feasts and gather in
Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts and pretend to tribal council each other
out of buying the next round. Or they will scroll through the myriad of
illiterate postings that fill 'such and such sucks' bulletin boards, getting a
giggle out of the excessive use of poo-poo and doodie jokes. Television has
finally found its anti-Christ, to counteract all the good that Homer and Bart,
Mike, Crow and Tom have provided to an entertainment hungry world. Evil, they
name is bi-curious George, the Chickenman. Save our hero, indeed.
October MST3K Schedule on SFC
North America
{All times are Eastern and tentative}
10/07/00 - 09:00 am - 903 Pumaman
10/14/00 - 09:00 am - 911 Devil Fish
10/21/00 - 09:00 am - 822 Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
10/28/00 - 09:00 am - 810 Giant Spider Invasion
Classifieds 3000
[This space for rent. Free.]
Disclaimers
All material written by club members in this publication does not necessarily
reflect the views or opinions of the staff of MSTies Anonymous. Endorsement of
above publicized activities not operated by MSTies Anonymous should not be
implied. Published material is subject to editing only for spelling, grammar,
clarity, and formatting; other changes are not made without express written
consent of the author.
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 2000
Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights
held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees.
"Gizmonics" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson.
This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so
please do not sue us.
© 2000 MSTies Anonymous
The Poobah mstanon@msties.com
Jet Jaguar kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu
Zen Psycho zenpsycho@yahoo.com
"It's all part of my kitchen fantasy."