| SOL Post 55 | 02/09/01 |
| SOL Post 54 | 12/15/00 |
| SOL Post 53 | 11/23/00 |
S.O.L. POST
==========================================================================
Volume 54
http://www.msties.com/
December 2000
Formerly The MSTies Anonymous Newsletter: News for the Obscure Convergence
==========================================================================
MIKE TO CONTINUE WRITING!
In This Issue
From the Poobah
"Random Geek Sighting in London" by jboune1@tiger.towson.edu
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by Kismetgirl88@hotmail.com
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
January MST3K Schedule on SFC
Classifieds 3000
Disclaimers
From the Poobah
Finals are over, so it's time to Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, If That's
Okay. This, of course, is the last SOL Post for Y2K, but it's not too early to
start sending in your MST3K-related articles and/or Classifieds 3000 for the
very first edition of 2001. Just beware of the real Millennium Bug until then!
"Random Geek Sighting in London" by jboune1@tiger.towson.edu
Greetings, all! It has been a while since I told you all of you about the
MST New Years' Quote, and 2000 has indeed turned out to be the year of the
"ROWSDOWER!" To wit: because I'm a Shakespeare nut, I made a point to catch
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged) at the Criterion Theater
over the summer. Imagine my surprise (and/or horror) when the guy who was
playing a huge part in the play caught my eye as someone I "knew," and "knew
well..." CHRISTIAN MALCOLM! Better known to us MSTies as Troy, the so-geeky-
even-I-wanted-to-jump-in-the-movie-and-steal-his-lunch-money moppet, from 910
Final Sacrifice. That's right folks, the Rowsdower-loving little fanboy has
since left his Larry Csonka fan club and crazy bread in Alberta, Canada and
moved on to play the 5-second Hamlet in a hilarious show in London's West End.
Christian has grown considerably since we saw him last, and has adopted a not-
all-together repulsive Chandler Bing quality to him. In fact, he was actually
damn good in the show, if I may say... so let's keep in mind that those
blessed by the snide commentary of our favorite hosts and 'Bots don't always
end up on the inside track to a dead-end career; Christian Malcolm seems to
have actually grown up and done something good for himself. I wonder what Zap
Rowsdower is doing now...
"Jenny For Your Thoughts" by Kismetgirl88@hotmail.com
Hey everyone. To get you in the festive mood I've written a story called "Twas the Night Before Mistmas." It's a mix between MST3K and that old Christmas story. So sit back, relax, and try forget about that guy who took picture of when you drank too much egg nog and how much you'll have pay to make sure it never sees the light of day. (This story is supposed to take place during Season 10. Note some lines are supposed to rhyme but really don't, so just pretend that they do.)
It was the night before Christmas
Well when you're in space its always night just about
And poor Mike began to pout
He bought all his gifts over the Net
Something that would put him into debt.
But Pearl, like the Grinch, dressed in green
Refused to send up the gift, boy was she mean.
In the castle down below
Peal was make sure there were no ho-ho-ho's.
She was awake drinking a beer
Making sure she didn't get coal this year
For by the fireplace she set up huge bear trap
To get Santa right in his big, floppy hat.
Now Mike, giftless and sad
Knew Christmas would be bad.
This was no Whoville or some sappy story
He knew the 'Bots would be crying the next morning.
There lay the 'Bots in there sleeping quarters
Dreaming of those bad movies sent by Forrester
Mike lied down to get some rest
And just hope for the best.
When all of a sudden the SOL rocked like it was almost hit
Zooming past the window there was cool rocket ship.
Mike went to see what it was
Only see Mr. Claus.
Santa had a space suit, and was no fool
And his sled/rocket ship was really quite cool
As his reindeer came into dock
Their hooves made some noise; oh heck, it was a lot.
Santa got out of his sled and somehow got in
Mike guessed by the smell near the garbage bin.
Santa cleaned up and with his magic
Pulled out his bag with lots of packages
Santa went to work he didn't slack
So Mike went up and tapped Satan on the back.
Santa screamed and gave Mike a light whack to the head
He shouldn't have scared Santa and should've been in bed.
"Sorry," said Santa, "I came to this ship shaped like a bone"
"You have all been good but I can't send you all home."
"My sled and I don't have the power"
"Plus I have so many houses to visit this hour."
Mike sighed a sad 'okay,' but was still mad that Santa attacked
Then Santa pulled out the new Swimsuit Sport Illustrated and a cold six-pack.
Then Mike gave Santa a hive five.
He was one awesome guy.
And the gifts and decorations were all set.
Santa did quick you can bet.
He also restored Mike's credit without any cost.
He saved the Christmas that Mike thought was lost.
Then after all that, Santa had to go
Back out into space and into the cold.
And before Mike's eyes
Santa disappear and flied.
Before he left Santa did yell
"Merry Christmas," over trails of jingle-bells.
And when the 'Bots finally did awake
It was about time for goodness sakes.
Mike told the 'Bots everything
From Santa's coming to the bells that were still jingling.
The 'Bots looked Mike like he was mad
But saw the present and were quite glad.
They share their gifts and had a good time.
I'm glad I'm almost done with this rhyme.
This is the end story I do fear
So have good holiday season this year.
"Better 'Bots and Satellites" by bgibron@yahoo.com
Vol. 3, Issue 5
Bad Dates, Indy!: The MST Advent Calendar
Are you like the rest of the world? Are you sick and tired of the same old
holiday revelry? Looking for a way to avoid the commercialized trappings of
another lonely Xmas and pump some much needed life into that stale cup of
Wassail? To help you better celebrate this holiday season, Better 'Bots and
Satellites has come up with a nutty take on the traditional Christmas prayer
cycle. Like the advent of the wheel and the advent of the modern machine and
the advent of downloadable porn, 'tis the time of year to commemorate the
advent of Advent. But we don't want you to light a silly wreath, or create of
a commemorative diorama of Joseph, Mary and the rather odiferous stable they
stayed in. No, we want you to celebrate MSTie style, and nothing says MST3K
like an advent calendar. But this is no ordinary data bank of dates. No siree.
Not some wood pulp parchment with pictures of candles and holly behind pre-cut
doors. No, this is totally interactive and guaranteed to bring a smile to your
face (if not also a little bile to your throat). Just follow the instructions
below and enjoy a truly cool Yule. Or at least a pleasant advent. Or an
Outward Bound adventure. Or a seventh day Adventist. Or a trip to the dentist.
How it works: Everyday, between now and Christmas, just take out a tape
(traded or purchased) of the following episodes and pop them into your trusty
VCR. Then sit back with a mug of HOT Dr. Pepper (with a brewed cinnamon stick
poking out) and enjoy a comfy, cozy, snuggly buggly Xmas gift from Joel, Mike
and the 'Bots. Each one is a fail-safe way to provide you with some baroque
yuletide reward, even if they seem more ephemeral than material. Just
remember, its the thought that counts, unless its cash. Then, it's the
denomination.
P.S. The numbers in the parenthetical are the dates. Do I have to explain
EVERYTHING to you?
030(1) Cave Dwellers: Choose between Dong/Thong/Bong's FuManChu meets Ann B.
Davis facial hair, or go for Mila's chest hubcap. Or dare to bare the muffiny
and too sweet pecs of Miles (of smiles) O'Keefe. Just avoid the Fowl Fedora.
No one has enough estrogen in his or her system to successfully pull it off.
020(2) Sidehackers: Festoon your noggin with Rommel's elderly Italian man's
golf cap and slop down those chili peppers 'til they burn your gut! Honor the
true JC with the fake evil fem JC and watch those hinders scrape pavement.
100(3) Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders: What a choice; Ernest's goiter,
Merlin's Book of Pig Latin spells, or the Rock and Roll Martian. Anyone of
them would zap those images of candy canes from your head pronto. On this
holiest of nights, the only creature stirring is the one created from Mrs.
Merlin's blubber funk.
060(4) Zombie Nightmare: Hmmm, Adam West... A teenage rapist wannabe... a
never was heavy metal rocker zombie who walks bowlegged and carries a
Louisville slugger... sounds like its time for the boar's head, on hand held
high. Either that, or the directors. Just remember to bedeck with sage and
rosemary. (And I AM SORRY, THAT DOES NOT RHYME AT ALL. HIGH... ROSEMARY...
HUH??? NEVER HAS, NEVER WILL.)
090(5) Deadly Bees: Search and destroy a rancid and heaping helping of the
DOG'S MEAT (have you seen it?), or sprawl in the nicotined resplendence of
Mrs. Hargrove's pitted out housecoat. And don't worry about the ever-
increasing body count. There's enough royal jelly for everyone.
070(6) Laserblast: Gaze in erotic pleasure at the hulky hunky mummy beefcake
known as Eddie Deezen! Nothing spells N-O-E-L than the he-manly mass of
masculine mook that is the Deez! Or what can be found in the pants of Roddy
McDowell.
050(7) I Accuse My Parents: Partake of several highballs, and experience
blackouts, shame and stellar moments of personal denial. Take a moment and
write an essay about it. Then try to impress your mob ties, their gun molls
and your oily pseudo diner Dad with your stilted scribblings as you make your
way to the Big House. Then its time for the real accusations to fly.
100(8) Final Justice: Well? Go ahead on. It's your move. No... Really, it is.
Slice off a little Goosio and gobble up a big bunch of deep fat fried Malta
milk balls as bulky Joe Don noshes to the tune of a different dinner.
(Warning: Due to High Caloric Content, the FDA advises the consumption of any
Don Baker in dietetically mandated doses only.)
060(9) Skydivers: AAH! Coleman Francis, the meatpackers Santa Claus. Benefit
from his static staging and java-drenched dialogue. Put on a sexless uni-tard
jumpsuit and leap about like a maniac. Christmas only comes once a year, kind
of like how long it seems to take to get to the ending of a Francis film.
03(10) Fugitive Alien: We all LOVE Ken, for he is our sweet friend. Hop on the
recent Japo/Harpo/Zeppo-American trend and tetsujin your own ryori as Rocky
and Captain Joe provide detailed lessons in the mass consumption of Sake and
fermented Natto bean (unless that smell really IS Captain Joe's unmentionables
drawer).
08(11) Parts: The Clonus Horror: Take pleasure in the plentiful bounty from
the booty of that far off distant land known as America; the beer can, the
poorly decorated, flavorless supermarket sheet cake, and the crossed eyed lust
of a perky, if somewhat dense, biological mutation. Just steer clear of Peter
Graves or Keenan Wynn. No one needs to hear the beginning of the end of their
Herbie Rides Again war stories.
10(12) Squirm: You too can be the worm face if you merely follow these simple
directions; like the devil, go down to Georgia, wear platform shoes that
require a zoning variance, and moan about how powerfully warm it is. Then sit
back and enjoy all the road kill vermicelli and ketchup you can stomach.
08(13) Jack Frost: Just perfect for this festive season; twisted bitter old
women trying to foist their disarmingly she-male daughters off on the first
chump who stumbles into the kibbutz, gnarled old wart hog hags who uses houses
and trees to do their hell-spawn bidding, and tiny giggling mushroom men who
makes Christopher Lowell seem downright macho. Sounds like someone should be
decking them, not the halls.
05(14) Teenage Strangler: Need a bike? A pair of ultra-nerdy glasses? A
puberty based voice change? Well, step right up to the door of the creepy
janitor and look darkly into the basement abyss. Just remember to ask for
Jimmy. He didn't do it. He DIDN'T steal no bike.
04(15) Beatniks: A leather coat? Ducktail hair? A gallon drum of peroxide and
eyebrow dye? Then shake hands with Mr. Bayliss and enter a realm of Moons,
goons and tunes as you stumble step toward a superstar flameout and your own
footnote on Behind the Music. (Ersatz Jerry Vale not included.)
06(16) Racket Girls: Nothing says 'sugar plums' more than a hefty, curvaceous
member of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling circa 1867, scantily clad in a
undersized sweat sock as she coos and purrs like a dyspeptic domestic short
hair and grapples with another supposed member of the female sex. Or the
ogling elf oaf in training, a jockey named Joe. And then there's Scali's
moustache. Nothing screams 'Adeste Fidelis' more than a pencil thin nose
caterpillar poised above a wet and livery upper lip.
08(17) Horror of Party Beach: As Eulabelle finds another half billion ways to
incorporate sodium into your already sickle celled, teetering on the verge of
diabetes and hypertension corpus delecti, gather the gang around for a real
slumber party massacre and jump, jive and wail to the hep cat downbeats of the
Del-Aires. Just avoid the hotdogs, since apparently no one can each just one
dozen.
00(18) Million Eyes of Su-Muru: Frankie Avalon... a marauding band of
babalicious banditos from the island locale of Lesbos... Klaus Kinski as
President Boong? And you heard ANGELS were 'on high'. Light up the nativity
hash pipe and bake your brain cells into a festive holiday mood as you watch
women who would never want to touch you avoid touching someone who no one
would ever want to touch, namely Wilfred Hyde-White.
03(19) War of the Colossal Beast: Ever wondered what it would be like to be
700 feet tall, bald, horribly mutated and wearing a enormous pair of Depends?
Merry Christmas!
08(20) Space Mutiny: Living proof that the aged and wrinkled can wear a skin
tight, latex under all and still cause a nation to vomit. A salutation to the
morbidly over aged, you can experience all the pleasures of advancing death,
from Cameron Mitchell's chin waddle to his daughter's sagging ass. And let's
not forget John Phillip Law whose about 3000 light year away from Danger:
Diabolik and about 60 seconds away from a sitz bath.
05(21) Santa Claus: Wonder where all the good gift loot grows? Its in Santa's
own private sweat shop, a hell hole of nameless, Margaret Keane faced under
skilled urchins who caterwaul off key as they create Play Station 2s. You'll
actually be glad when Satan shows up to wreck the dreams of little Lupita.
After all, if he doesn't undermine her self-esteem, a few weeks in jolly old
Saint Nick's Betsy Wetsy's lingerie creation department would truly ready her
for a career in the Milagro bean fields.
06(22) Angel's Revenge: All I want for Christmas is my two big boobs, my two
big boobs, see my two big boobs? Well, everyone can and will in this T & A
tidbit of Tannenbaum. Add Pat Butram as a country fried Father Xmas and Jim
Backus as a cross dressing Nutcracker and before you can say, "OH MY GOD, IT'S
JACK PALANCE," you'll feel the spirit of the season moving through you. Or
maybe that's just Peter Lawford.
05(23) Village of the Giants: Mix in a little Ron Howard, pre-Grinch but post
bed wetting, add some Beau Bridges, pre-Barnum and while still bed wetting and
a really huge set of novelty giant breasts and you have a holiday only Tommy
Kirk could stain. Just remember, 'don we now our gay apparel' does not mean
you have to wear your Catalina Caper brand matching windbreaker and swim
trunks.
04(24) Manos: The Hands of Fate: What more could anyone want for the birth of
Jesus Christ? How about a cult of Master worshippers who cat fight for fun as
they are leered at by a mangy manservant with Yule logs in his Dockers? Just
add a crock of poodle pate and a generous portion of hillbilly lip-gloss and
you've got a date with the newborn savior. Away in a manger indeed.
FELIZ NAVIDAD!!!
January MST3K Schedule on SFC
North America
{All times are Eastern and tentative}
01/06/01 - 10:00 am - EPISODE TBA
01/13/01 - 10:00 am - EPISODE TBA
01/20/01 - 10:00 am - EPISODE TBA
01/27/01 - 10:00 am - EPISODE TBA
Classifieds 3000
timothyFromPA@webtv.net writes: "I have all episodes available between 004 &
1013. I DO NOT touch the Rhino or club tapes/DVD/CDs, except to direct you to
where you CAN buy them. All of the necessary information (grades, prices etc.)
is on the list. http://www.angelfire.com/sk/timothy1/MST3K.episodes.html"
Disclaimers
All material written by club members in this publication does not necessarily
reflect the views or opinions of the staff of MSTies Anonymous. Endorsement of
above publicized activities not operated by MSTies Anonymous should not be
implied. Published material is subject to editing only for spelling, grammar,
clarity, and formatting; other changes are not made without express written
consent of the author.
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 2000
Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights
held by Best Brains, the Sci-Fi Channel, or their employees.
"Gizmonics" and all related elements are copyright and trademark Joel Hodgson.
This publication is not meant to infringe on any copyrights held by him, so
please do not sue us.
© 2000 MSTies Anonymous
The Poobah mstanon@msties.com
Jet Jaguar kret0419@blue.UnivNorthCo.edu
Zen Psycho zenpsycho@yahoo.com
"Larry Csonka?!"